With all the fuss about terrorism, our leaders are ignoring the fact that there is a growing population of enemies within our own country. Demons so menacing that they may bring our country to its very knees. No, not liberals. The people I’m thinking of are so clearly set apart from the rest of us that they can’t hide their evil. No, not them either, you racist bastard. The group I’m thinking of is, of course, the elderly.
Laugh if you must. What threat can an old man do to me, you ask? Sure, except for the hydrolic joints that he’s had installed, he doesn’t seem like much of a match for the average college student physically. But getting underestimated is just a part of his sinister plan.
Old people could be strong if they wanted to. I ran a full marathon last spring, and crossed the finish line at a decent time. I was quite proud of my achievement until I looked at the results online and noticed that an 80-year-old man had soundly trounced me. When you see an old man looking frail, it’s all an elaborate show to gain your sympathy. You can bet that twenty 20 minutes later he will pop a Viagra and spend the next six hours getting an intense workout.
You still don’t think that they’re faking their frailty, do you? After all, what kind of person would deliberately soil themselves to keep up an act? The most cunning kind. The kind of person that is clever enough to take control of the country without anyone noticing. Take a look at C-SPAN sometime. Most of our leaders are elderly, if not downright ancient.
And they have accordingly voted themselves more than their share of benefits. The costs of social security, Medicare, and Medicaid, the nation’s largest bingo jackpot, amounted to 42percent of the 2002 federal budget. Compare that to the 4 percent that went to education, the major source of spending on youth, and tell me that old people haven’t put their walkers firmly down upon America’s neck. I’m not saying that these programs are bad, I’m just saying that life in the world of “Logan’s Run” might be as utopian as it boasts. Then again, maybe the old folks deserve to be in control for voting more consistently than the rest of us.
In addition, the patronizing tone that the elderly have infused the government with is the worst thing our democracy has seen. They won’t tell you what’s going on because you’re too young to understand. Thousand-plus page bills are routinely drafted and modified in secret, giving no time for the feedback of other representatives, let alone the public.
We have a right to know how our laws are made. What policy was drafted when Dick Cheney met with executives from Enron? How did Halliburton get millions of dollars in undeserved contracts? Could that be related to Cheney’s possession of Halliburton stock options?
Knowing the answers to these questions is crucial to voters who don’t want to elect greedy scoundrels, but the information is hidden away. While it is obvious that a transparent government would serve the people better, the old fogies in office try to keep every secret they possibly can. They argue with us like children, telling us that an enemy is “a bad man” – an actual quote – and that we’re going to war “because I said so” -I made that one up.
How can we be sure to elect competent leaders if we have no basis to measure their success?
We can’t. The only thing you can be sure of when electing officials is this: They’re old.
When people read his name, they think Nexus columnist Loren Williams is a girl. But he isn’t.