I am writing this from the computer lab. That’s because I am no longer in possession of my laptop.

My computer was stolen. My snazzy Gateway portal to the world was taken from my bedroom during a little shindig – on my birthday, no less – that my roommates and I had. It brings to mind some lyrics that unfortunately are permanently stuck in my head – “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.”

Except I was too stoned at the time I found out about the theft to conjure up such delicate emotions. So other than allowing me to cathartically release my emotions, what’s the point of me spending the time to write this? Maybe, just maybe, someone will read this and prevent their stuff from getting jacked. Basically I got scammed, and maybe by writing about it I can prevent someone else from being in the same situation.

An hour or so into my closed-door party, not open to randoms, a random guy walked in and started talking to me. It went something like this: “Hey, me and my friends are in the military, drove up to Isla Vista to let loose and found there weren’t many parties. We have our own beer and just wanna hang with you nice-looking fellas and ladies. Is it cool if we chill for a bit?”

It was my birthday, I was surrounded by friends and had enough beer in me to feel full of good cheer. Why not help my fellow American by giving him a place to relax, just as I was doing?
“Sure you can chill.”
“Are you sure, man?”
That’s when I was totally gotten. This guy was slick enough to kindly ask me if he could be there, then do a double take when I allowed it. So I then had four guys in my apartment who, judging by their demeanors and haircuts, probably really were in the Navy.

They seemed cool, showed me how to kill someone with two fingers, laughed with me when one of our colorful locals, the pirate, poured beer into his eye and spit it out his mouth. Apparently they also managed to get into my bedroom and slip my laptop into one of their backpacks while I was enjoying myself in the other room.

So I was naive, overly friendly and got taken advantage of. They were smarter, if less drunken, and certainly had their whole scheme planned on how to rip me off. I’m sure this scenario plays out all the time, as the officer at the foot patrol station verified. So I guess if there’s a moral, here it is: Watch out for four guys claiming to be in the military and in search of a good time. They’re also in search of expensive stuff they can take.

And if you’re one of those bastards who took my computer or who does that kind of shit, remember killer karma. When it bites you in the gonads, it’s gonna kill the good time you’re having watching my downloaded porn. Either that or nothing is going to happen, you’re going to get away with it, and not read this and not care. That’s definitely more likely.

Joel Furman is a sophomore law and society major.