Halloween, Isla Vista, Del Playa Drive: Two girls stand on the hood of a car, parked on the ocean side of the street, with their dates. One of the police-sponsored floodlights shines down on them. One of them shakes her head, while the other struggles against the effects of copious alcohol consumption to remain standing.

Both of their dates start to lift their shirts up. The crowd is getting excited, hooting and shouting. Both girls grab their dates’ hands and smile, keeping their shirts down. Neither of them seems to want to flash the anxious crowd.

“That car is gonna look like shit in the morning.” My friend gestures at the sinking hood. This is one of the reasons I’m happy to not be living on DP for a second year.

One of the girl’s guys tries to be sneaky this time. First, he circles her waist with his arms. Then he starts slowly raising them. He doesn’t look happy when he notices that the shirt isn’t coming with them.

“Show your tits!”

One girl finally decides to cement the decision: “No!”

The disappointed gathering standing around the car decides it’s not worth it and joins the ocean of drunks surging along the road. Just about every floodlight has a crowd beneath it. More than a few have girls on top of cars trying to get some attention, mostly by way of nudity. This is way better than music – remember to thank the police for their surprisingly innovative support of our debauchery.

The crowd pulls me down the road, albeit very slowly. One person this drunk couldn’t support himself, but a couple thousand can keep each other standing. At this point, I doubt my balance enough to just lean into the mess and let it take me where it will.

“It’s like bodysurfing!” This gives me a great idea.

“Dude, put me up! This is the perfect setup for crowd-surfing!”

We both look around, into the faces of those nearby. Glassy stares and stumbling drunks surround us. We look at each other. “Shit. Maybe this isn’t gonna work.”

“Hell no. I wouldn’t trust these drunk fucks for anything.” True.

“Show your tits! Show your tits!” The crowd’s acting up again. Looking around, I spot a balcony on a mountainside house with a much more willing girl. She pulls her top over her face. Yup – chicks still have breasts. And we obviously don’t need porn parties to see them. “Woooooooo! Yeah!” The crowd is pleased.

Now the asses. I’ve never seen so many people so very happy to get mooned. One of the chicks runs her crack along one of the bars on the balcony fence. Suddenly I’m pulled towards oceanside.

I decide to get out of the crowd for a second and pull myself together. I step into the packed parking lot in front of 6645, my old pad. Another two girls come thrashing out of the crowd. One of them is crying. “There’s too many people.” She sobs into her friend’s arms. They huddle between two parked cars.

A gaggle of cops are nearby. I walk over to them. “There’s a couple of really freaked-out people just like two cars over. There any way you could help them get out of here?”

He looked at me, surprised. “Not really. They should just hang out off the streets for a while.”

Very helpful.

Daily Nexus opinion editor Cory Anthony performs all of his misdeeds under floodlights now.