There is only one time of the year necrophilia is ever sexy.
Oct. 31, in Isla Vista, California.
An Isla Vista Halloween brings out the Britney in every girl who would otherwise dress no sexier than a pencil case. It can bring the 6-foot-tall bong out in every male daydreamer. It is a time of mystery and magic.
I have but one bit of advice for the fresh female meat: Halloween is not the time to go all the way. Because that might not really be a guy dressed up in a Chancellor Yang suit. If you can’t see his face, you’ve never met him before and he’s rearing to go, don’t let him go all the way.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t give him a really good blow job.
It’s amazing how many women don’t have the slightest clue about technique. This is what truly separates the women from the girls (or the men from the boys – take your pick).
Here’s a few mild-mannered hints.
First things first. You’ve got to get Free Willy to breach his Marine World sanctuary. You’re looking for a nice, stiff erection – you can’t suck a jellyroll, now can you?
You can help the process by giving him little kisses on the neck and ear, while working your way down. Kiss all the way down to the zipper and, if you’re talented, unzip with your teeth. Remember this is the only time teeth even begin to enter the picture. Tease him and take your sweet little time doing it. You’re not in a rush to get a mouthful. It will drive him nuts.
Speaking of nuts, it never hurts to fondle a testicle or two. Tongue optional. Kiss all the way down his happy trail. Work around his manly machine, but don’t give in just yet.
And certainly don’t let him take control. If he begins to gyrate his hips or direct your head, stop him. It might help to remind him of all the gals who choose not to suck his dick, like any girl who actually knows what he looks like without the costume.
When you’re tired of teasing, go for the grip, but not the kung fu mistress grip. Wrap your hand around the base of his penis, and direct his manhood toward the northern oasis.
Remember girls, you have the most vulnerable part of his body between your jaws. Teeth equal pain. Not even a scrape – to prevent this, wrap your lips around your teeth.
The tip of his Matterhorn is the most important part of the whole deal. Swirl your tongue around like you’re trying to lick the fudge off of a fudgescicle. On the underside of the penis, you’ll find what should now be a throbbing vein. Move your tongue up and down his highway.
Since it’s Halloween, give him a little trick with his treat. Instead of the mini Snickers, give him the King Size Bar. Yep, this calls for deep throat action. You have to be relaxed, so as not to induce the gag reflex.
At this point, there are two possible things a guy will do if he’s an asshole. One, he’ll stick his hand on the back of your head: You might not mind this, but don’t kid yourself. He’s just trying to get his dode further down your throat. Two, he might fold his hands behind his head like he’s basking in the sun on the beach. Slap the bastard.
As you continue, listen to what he likes. Whatever causes him to make more noise, do it – you know, to a point. If he wants your finger up his ass, that’s your call. Just remember how well your little brother wipes.
Now here’s the pivotal moment. You should let Mr. Salt Malt know whether you’re down for a splooge slushy or two. If you choose not to swallow, then have the decency to finish him off with your hand.
And voila, the perfect Halloween treat. It’s a real r