Why is it so difficult for girls to have orgasms? Why is that men seem to be able to find pleasure in any light stimulation whatsoever? It has to be one of the most common questions asked of women in the world. “Why can’t I have an orgasm while my boyfriend and I are having sex?” I know you girls know what I’m talking about. You may think it’s your problem, but, me being the professional love kitten, I have the answer.
One would think that at our age we’d be having orgasms all over the place. The truth is, many women don’t ever have orgasms during sex, and some of us have never had one. Surprise, surprise to the guys thinking they’re the exception to the rule. You’re not. She’s faking it.
It’s not hard. All we have to do is throw in an “oooh” and a couple of “aaahs,” gyrate the hips, and you guys think you’re the Jedi Master. In reality, we are simply trying to inflate your egos enough so that you don’t notice us sneaking peaks at our watches and praying to Krishna that you’ll come.
The answer is something the majority of you may be secretly frightened of, but once you give it a go, you’ll come up to me personally and thank me.
The answer is a vibrator.
You may think that something running on two double A batteries could never do it for ya. But think about it; if your boyfriend was battery-operated, things would be so much easier, wouldn’t they?
Vibrators aren’t a replacement for Brandon McBooty, but they are a good way to help you understand your body and what it has to offer you.
Remember girls, I was once in your shoes.
I remember those days of thinking, “Was that it? That’s all?”
Nope, that’s not it. Your female TA knows what I’m talking about. (Those poor TA’s are too busy boring themselves to death in solitude with their iMacs to have the ability to start relationships with real flesh and blood. These women are prime candidates to be vibrator wizards).
I remember finding that special someone but being bored to death in bed. I turned to my best friend, Dorothy. She knew the potential I had, and for Christmas gave me the present that would change my life.
It came in a little brown box and was only twenty bucks. I named him Eddie Vibrator.
I know it sounds like I’m exaggerating, but until you’ve given yourself more than one orgasm in fifteen minutes, you can’t talk shit.
I think most girls fear vibrators because they think they have to have sex with them. On the contrary, my friend. You know deep down, the clitoris is where it’s at. Put the little guy on your clitoris and let him pump away until it feels good.
We girls still appreciate you guys. But it sucks when we lay there wishing for the same amount of pleasure you bastards get every damn time. This is exactly when the vibrator comes into play. Eddie Vibrator finishes what Brandon McBooty starts. Once I kick his ass out of my Princess bed, I’m reaching for Eddie. Machinery is scary to little boys, but women do what we have to do to get off.
I have learned where my spots are. I know what it feels like. You should know your spots too.
There is some scary machinery out there and some scary places to buy it. You don’t have to buy a vibrating thong or the Quaking Quarterback. Avoid anything you have to strap on. If you’ve seen the movie “Parenthood,” then you know what you need.
Remember that scene where Steve Martin is looking for the flashlight and pops up with Diane Weiss’ vibrator? That’s what you need – small, accessible and lightweight.
Grab your best friend, and on the way to State, stop at F Street. Pick your pleasure, be sure to name him, and go home to test him out.
The next morning when you reconvene at De La Guerra, I expect you’ll be saying and hearing a lot of “oh my god!” If you want to personally thank me, just email me and I’ll read it pronto.
No girl should end up 25, and a TA, minus a vibrator.
Daily Nexus sex columnist Beth Van Dyke buzzes to the tune of a different vibrator. Send her your sex questions and comments at .