“Hey, what’s your next column gonna be about?”
“Shit.”
The quest for ideas begins Saturday afternoon, being so rudely interrupted from my stupor and confronted with the ugly truth that there was work to be done. But there was an idea.
“How about koalas, nature’s stoner?”
“You might need to do some research and stuff.”
Research happens, it’s no big deal. Everybody has to do it, and there was bound to be some work eventually. Research invariably begins with the head scratch. Properly executed, this move makes one appear both thoughtful and hardworking. Mixed with a look of frustration or minor annoyance, it can even lead to big ideas.
If one is inclined to smoke cigarettes, then that is the next step, as it kills a little time and clearly shows that one is not unaccustomed to destroying one’s body, and can do just that for the right cause. Otherwise, drink a cup of coffee and pace a lot.
One thing to keep in mind when doing research is that there is always another step between where you are and the actual work. Even at one’s desk. Once the computer is started, you should always clear your plate of what’s there already. In other words, check your e-mail.
“You gonna eat dinner?” queried one of my roommates.
It’s been three hours since the checking of e-mail, during which time you might’ve accomplished any number of the following things: rearranging your music collection, actually answering the junk mail that you received in your e-mail, chatting online or giving in to the temptations of the ultimate evil: Snood.
But for now, one can never work on an empty stomach, and there’s dinner to be had.
“How’s the column coming along?”
If you’ve succeeded at all in your afternoon’s quest, the only answer to this question is, “What? Oh, right, that, yeah, it’s, ah … coming along.”
Dinner, of course, simply wouldn’t be proper without a beer or two, and a beer cannot be properly enjoyed unless it’s sipped. Slowly.
When the meal is completed, one must not, at all costs, get to work immediately. The stomach needs settling, so a body must grab a seat on the couch. Now a little bit of relaxation and recreation is in order, to get the blood flowing back to the brain a bit. While sitting on the couch, of course. So settle down to enjoy yourself for a while.
After much coughing and giggling ensues, the next clear recollection belongs to Sunday morning. But work must still be deferred for a much more important mission: Find out what the hell you did Saturday night and where this terrible, terrible hangover comes from.
Call everyone you know, beginning with those that make vague appearances in the murky recollections of the previous night.
“Did you see me last night?”
“Uh, yeah?”
“Where, damn you?”
“You had a party at your house, man; it was hoppin’.”
“Good lord! Did I have fun?”
“You certainly looked like it. Until… well, don’t go to the bathroom for a while.”
Flashbacks suddenly fight their way to the surface, and you begin to remember the deeply disturbing level of debauchery that occurred the previous night. Life must be more serious, more directed from now on. This should signal a new beginning. Now, time for work.
“You want breakfast and hangover medicine?”
“Sure.”
Hang up the phone and tell yourself that you gotta have breakfast. No one can function without food. Or with a headache like this.
At breakfast and in the haze brought on by hangover medicine, one must be prepared for this: “You still haven’t written your column, you degenerate, have you?”
The simplest answer being, “I’m still knocking around some ideas. I liked the koala one.”
Daily Nexus assistant Opinion editor Cory Anthony learned about koalas by trying out their lifestyle. There’s always another day for researching them.
