Let me give you freshmen a little something to contemplate about before going to town on your first anal adventure: Getting it up the pooper sucks without the proper lubrication.
So, once upon a time there was this guy, lets call him Joe Browneye, who was known to be one of those hardcore fraternity meatheads with 14-year-old machismo and an insatiable appetite for watching re-runs of “Sorority Life.” So Joe wakes up with his so-called ‘girlfriend’ after a night of heavy partying and decides that it would be kinky to slip in the shower and get naked and unusually freaky. Let’s keep in mind here that his girlfriend is the product of six months at Fuck Towers and is often referred to by her boyfriend’s pals as the ‘Wildebeest’ because of her Propecia-propelled ability to grow an excess of hair everywhere.
The Wildebeest, as one might infer, was quite willing to indulge in any pleasure that would suit her Chewbacca-lovin’ man whore. It doesn’t take a CS major to figure out that she never got any elsewhere. So, Joe took his business to the bathroom and the Wildebeest followed behind, losing articles of clothing along the way.
Once in the shower, the two began the inevitable foreplay that would lead to a complication in penetration – no lube. Now, I know most of you are thinking what the hell was the problem if you’re in the shower? Well, it depends on what hole you’re planning on poking. In this case, it was the rear, which happened to be devoid of proper lubrication.
So what’s the first thing you can grab for lubrication in the shower?
If you’re unlucky, like the Wildebeest, it might just be protein fortified Pantene Pro-V conditioner, equipped to get your hair silky smooth in just ten days. If used as lubrication up the anus, it could result in a severe infection in just ten days as well. Conditioner does not count as water-based lubricant – surprise, surprise.
After the burning sensation from the shower escapade subsided, the Wildebeest ended up in the Student Health center with another senseless I.V. horror story to explain to doctors who probably thought they’d heard everything.
Now some facts about anal sex: its not just for those dirty fraternity guys. Some have the common misconception that it’s just a homosexual act, while, in reality, anal sex is regularly practiced by 10 percent of heterosexual couples. Up to 25 percent of all adults have had anal sex at least once. It is true, however, that anal sex is one of the most risky of sexual behaviors because of the risk of HIV, especially for the receiving party.
To best prevent transmission, a condom should be used, and withdrawal before ejaculation is probably a smart move. Water-based lubrication on both the anus and the penis is best to prevent tearing and irritation because the anus does contain some of the most sensitive tissues in the body. Those receiving penetration should practice bearing down and relaxing the sphincter for insertion. The partner should keep his/her penis/dildo tilted in the direction of the colon.
Also, never have vaginal sex directly after anal intercourse. The genitalia should be washed with soap and water before insertion elsewhere or oral contact.
So, to the kids who are interested in getting anally kinky, beware before taking it in the rear without a water-soluble lubricant in reach. Astroglide is available at the Student Health pharmacy for $6.00 a bottle.
Senior political science major Beth Van Dyke hails the return of the Wednesday Hump. All hail the hump!