Editor’s Note: This story is from the April Fool’s issue of the Daily Nexus.

We hold our readers in high regard here at the News-Suppress.

But many of our readers have been confused in the past when we publish on April 1. In feedback, which is essential to our role as community-based journalists, these concerned readers have suggested reasons we might publish April 1.

Perhaps, as one parent suggested, it was because April 1 was the first day of school. Perhaps, as another said, it was because spring insight tours were starting that day.

One concerned parent even wrote in to say that, had she seen this issue earlier, she never would have allowed her child to attend this university.

Dear readers, we do not publish on April 1 because we want to offend.

We publish because we think you have the intellectual depth of celery.

Time and time again, you’ve proven us correct in this assumption.

So now, we’re going to treat you with respect, you worthless morons. We publish on April 1 because we want to make at least one person choke on their breakfast, and we hope, fervently, that the person is you.