Nexus File Photo

I know, I know, no one wants to hear another sorority girl complain about her trivial problems like formal being cancelled or no chardonnay in the dining commons, yet you should really hear me out. These issues REALLY matter, and I’m sick of just yelling them into the void or complaining to my GroupMe about them. Yes, I’m an educated, middle-class, relatively attractive woman living in a first-world country, but that just means my problems are of first importance.

1. Having to walk all the way from 65 block to 68 block to party-hop

I mean, come on! That’s a million light years away, and unlike Jessica Simpson, these black booties are NOT made for walking. Please shrink I.V. down to at least 65/66, or make it illegal to have parties past that.

2. The $4.20 deal at South Coast doesn’t include every sandwich.

If you’re going to make a deal at the greatest time in the universe, why can’t every sandwich be on it? Paying $9 normally for a sandwich that can last me at least two meals is absurd and overly expensive. Just put the dang pesto sammie on there.

3. Chem 1179

Do I even need to explain this one? Build a movable sidewalk around UCSB; I’m not paying tuition to bike.

4. The UCEN Starbucks doesn’t accept Star Rewards.

Okay, maybe this one is slightly personal, but HOW. Is it not a functioning Starbucks? Does it not already accept phone payment?! And they didn’t even tell me until I ordered my caramel macchiato with extra caramel sauce and went up to use my stars that I had worked hard to EARN. I was so embarrassed I paid for the drink anyway. Rude.

5. When someone parks their beach cruiser next to your bike

AND THEIR DUMB BASKET BLOCKS YOU IN!!! They should be banned on campus; I’m serious. If someone does this to me one more time, I’m popping their tires. If I’m going to be late to class, so are they. Don’t @ me.

Mia Roncati is a third-year student who can be heard yelling about her Starbucks in a Jersey accent at the bottom of Storke Tower.