Last night, Friendship Manor, the retirement home on El Colegio Road, threw a party to end all parties. The party started at the prime time of 7:30 p.m., right after “Jeopardy!” The theme was “MILFs and DILFs,” so mostly everyone dressed up as themselves.
Typically, Friendship Manor is a strong advocate for the Isla Vista noise ordinance that requires the music and noise to stop at 10 p.m. on weekdays and at midnight on the weekends. All quarter, they have called the UCPD at exactly 12:01 a.m. to shut down the parties happening at the apartment complex nextdoor so they can get some rest before morning bingo. The UCPD follows through with this request, but the offenders rarely listen and continue to party all night.
They plan on having a different themed party every Friday from now on. Partiers were quoted as saying “nice young ladies” are always invited, and they’ll keep partying like it’s 1935.
The folks at the home have repeatedly tried to get the noise ordinance to be pushed to 8 p.m., but their requests have been denied every time for unknown reasons. This weekend, the residents decided that if they couldn’t beat them, they should join them.
The drinks were flowing all night as slutty nurses spoon-fed the elderly residents Jell-O shots. Residents got a little too into the Bing Crosby dubstep remix, as orderlies laced their oxygen tanks with dank kush. With the help of one resident’s teenaged grandchild, using “who-se-what’s-its” and “The Youtube,” music blasted so loud even Manor residents could hear it. Some prime music selections included P-Diddy’s remix of Elvis Presley, “You Ain’t Nothing but a Hound Dog, Dawg” and the Chainsmokers’ remix, “We (Hopefully) Aren’t Getting Any Older.”
Neighbors of the Manor weren’t too happy with the latest ravers of UCSB. Sophia Marcus, third-year mechanical engineering major and nextdoor neighbor, was especially riled about the recent turn of events.
“Their noise is out of control. It’s like they have absolutely zero regard for the other members of this community,” Marcus whined. “Students have, like, finals and stuff!”
But the old folks don’t feel like stopping any time soon; they plan on having a different themed party every Friday from now on. Partiers were quoted as saying “nice young ladies” are always invited, and they’ll keep partying like it’s 1935.
Mia Roncati is a nice young lady who doesn’t believe in a noise ordinance.