Hello my nubile Nexus readers, today we will be partaking in a great American tradition: basking in the embarrassment of others. This fine Wednesday, we’ve been lucky enough to have some of your peers sacrifice themselves on the altar of anonymous shame. It’s time for some sexual bloopers …
“So I was having sex with this guy, and we were both pretty high. He happened to have silk sheets. While I was riding on top of him, my hands slipped and I fell, onto his face, headbutting him and inducing a massive nosebleed. Super cute.” —Shannon, second-year.
“I was doing this girl from behind in the shower and got a little too enthusiastic: She ended up doing a somersault in the shower. Whoops.” —Kavon, third-year.
“I had sex with a guy who held me up off of the ground, so I was totally reliant on his arm strength. When he came, he dropped me. He made up for it by giving me head after.” —Kathy, fourth-year.
“I was having sex with this guy, and he legitimately bit my clit. I yelped, slapped his head away and snapped my legs closed, asking him if he would like it if I bit his dick. Seriously. Who thinks that’s going to feel good?” —Buttercup, fourth-year.
“One time during my freshman year, I was with my boy at the dorms. We had the room to ourselves and were getting it on when we playfully rolled to the side on my lofted bed. He actually rolled off and landed face first on the floor six feet below! It was so funny to me that I couldn’t stop laughing, and it totally killed the mood. He even made this ‘Whoops!’ sound when he fell off.” —Yolanda, fourth-year.
“One weekend, I had had a few too many shots and blacked out. I came to only to find my finger up an out-of-towner’s butt. The next day he told me no one had ever tried that with him before, and it was his new favorite thing. I was mortified, but I suppose it turned out to be a good thing.” —Mildred, fourth-year.
“So my boyfriend at the time and I were in Vegas for a trip with friends, and we got a little too frisky. We were lounging in the pool when we decided to get it on … right there in the pool. So we drifted over to the manmade waterfall and started doing it underneath. We thought we were really sneaky. However, minutes later, the lifeguard came up to us and asked us to stop, embarrassed. ‘There are kids here,’ he said. We apologized and resolved to be a little more stealthy next time. Unfortunately everyone definitely knew what we were up to.” —Mariposa, third-year.
“I knew a couple who were insistent on trying everything once. One time, the girl insisted they try anal sex in the heat of the moment with no real prior discussion on the subject. They knew they’d need lots of lube but because it was a spur of the moment decision, the only lube they had was chocolate flavored. It was their first and only time trying anal, and they used chocolate lube.” —Eli, fourth-year.
“It was freshman year, and I was living in FT and I, of course, made the rookie mistake of hooking up with somebody on my floor. But how could I resist? He was so close and convenient. We had just finished. I was sitting on his bed, and I bent down to retrieve my clothes from the floor. It was dark, and I bumped my head on the corner of the wooden bedpost. It didn’t hurt that bad, so I figured it was just a bump. Well, he turned around with the most shocked look on his face and quickly handed me a paper towel. I pressed it to my forehead and realized that I was, in fact, gushing blood. There I was, sitting naked on his bed, forehead bleeding. As I held the paper towel on my cut, he attempted to help me get dressed. As soon as I was decent, I quickly retreated to my room where my drunk suitemates were waiting. At the sight of my forehead, they freaked out and called the injury to the attention of my entire floor. We came to a consensus that a trip to the hospital was needed, and I ended up with five stitches on my left eyebrow. Trying to explain to the nurse what happened was awkward to say the least.” —Delilah, second-year.
“When I was still in high school, my ex-boyfriend and I were doing a theater show together. One day we stayed late after school and decided we wanted to do it on the set. While going at it, face-to-face with my legs thrown over his and sitting up, the sixth-grade class came into the room. Luckily we were wearing most of our clothes, so I just hugged him very tightly and cried, ‘We’re just hugging!’ It was so humiliating.” —Margo, second-year.
“I grew up in Solvang. One night, my girlfriend and I had smoked up in my car on the side of the road before we started boning. In the middle of it all, we suddenly heard a knock on the window. The guy disturbing us was the most small-town cop you could imagine, and he was ready to punish us. He made us both get out of the car, her wearing only my shirt, me wearing only my boxers. He made us stand there for two hours while he called both of our parents (we were 16) to come and get us. This was especially bad as her parents were super conservative and religious: They didn’t know their baby girl was having sex or smoking weed. To top it all off, a group of people from the house up the hill having a party drove down to witness our embarrassment. I had to go in front of a judge, but that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was getting dressed up in a suit and going to plead my case to her parents.” —Iglesias, third-year.
Wham, bam, no thank you, ma’am — these are all wince-worthy. The Great Gaucho is pleased by your sacrifices. I am even more in love with my job now that you brave souls have sent these in. Now go forth, bask in your sexuality (perhaps more safely and stealthily this time!) and remember, avoid silk sheets and chocolate lube at all costs. Happy Humping!
Hayley E. knows that sex can be more “whoopsie” than “whoopee!” All there is left to do is get back up and try, try, try again.