The best season of the year is here once again and I couldn’t be happier. It’s a good thing I’ve been working out those abs and doing all that cardio so I can look skinnier than all the other girls on the beach. It’s stuff like that that really matters and makes my life truly MEAN something.

I spent last summer at home. That was a bad decision. I was supposed to get a job. Then Applebee’s rejected me and I got feeling all down on myself. If they were really friendly and neighborly like they promised, they would’ve hired me just because I’m that neighborhood kid they’ve watched grow up. Then I went and asked my actual neighbors if I could work for them. When they told me no, I started thinking maybe there was a common denominator – disrespectful neighbors. And I was right.

So instead of making my own money this summer, I decided it’d be cool to spend more of my parents’ money to live in I.V. and take a couple classes. The only thing is, by the time I finally got my act together, only the sucky classes were left. History 4C at 8 in the morning four days a week? No, thanks.

Anyway, summer in I.V. Last year I only visited a couple times, but I think I figured out the ingredients for a perfect Isla Vista summer. The first has got to be wearing my bathing suit all the time. Sun up to sun down, I’m in my bikini. And even after that. That way I can show off how summery I am. When I walk into class in my bathing suit, people will know I’ve just come from the beach and they’ll go, “Wow, she’s so cool and hot at the same time because she looks like summer.”

And another thing. I won’t be living on Del Playa Drive, but I just want to tell those of you that are living there about one thing you have to do all the time: Drink. It’s mandatory. If you are ever outside after noon, you must be half-naked, holding some alcohol. This isn’t just for summer, either. I do not care if it’s finals week or you have a paper due in an hour. If I can see you, 6500 DP residents, you better be drinking. If you can’t do that, maybe you should consider moving to Abrego or something, where nobody will see you.

Everybody else, you should stay nice and drunk, too. When you’re drunk on the beach, you won’t notice all those gross bugs jumping on your legs and the overall disgustingness of the I.V. beaches.

You also have to swim in the ocean. Yeah, I know it’s cold. If that stupid Al Gore fellow would stop telling us to recycle, maybe we could get this global warming thing off the ground. Then our oceans would really heat up and swimming would be far more enjoyable.

While you’re down there on the beach, why don’t you toss a frisbee around? Actually, try a football instead – nobody is actually good at throwing frisbees. They always almost cut off some bystander’s head. Don’t play horseshoes, either. What is this, the 1800s? Horseshoes are heavy and dangerous and really fucking hurt when they land on your toes.

One time when I came down last summer, I brought my family. Man, that was fun! We drove in around 12:45 on a Friday night. As I drove slowly down Pasado, my parents had this “Oh-my-God-what-am-I-paying-for” look on their faces. It was precious, really. My little sister pretended she was all scared and stuff. That was cute. My dog slept the whole time, even after those guys down the street set off firecrackers. Silly deaf dog. The whole experience brought my family closer together, so I highly suggest you invite both your immediate and extended family down to bask in the gloriousness of I.V. Grandma will be so proud when you show her that you really can beer bong five beers.

Summer: helping you forget everything you learned over the past year. Cheers!