Frat guy inspired by Elizabeth Holmes’ rizz opens eyes really wide at flirting technique

The new documentary “You Can See Everything” directed by Nathan Fielder and Lance Oppenheim, which depicts Elizabeth Holmes in the days leading up to her imprisonment, has been surrounded by incredible buzz within the film community, as well as outside it. The film has received high acclaim from critics and viewers alike, and has received an average 4.6/5 rating on the social film review platform Letterboxd.

UC Santa Barbara student Chad Patterson, a fourth-year psychological & brain sciences major and proud fraternity member to the Entrepreneurial Guided Originators (E.G.O.), left the theater with more than some opinions to take to Letterboxd. He actually had the singular takeaway of a new flirtation tactic.

Patterson had noted from the film that Holmes’ supposed seduction technique involved making intense eye contact with someone, compelling them with her strikingly blue irises and saucer eyes. Patterson decided to put this into practice on the streets of Isla Vista.

For weeks, each evening when the shadows elongated into the perfect cover, Patterson went from party to party, seeking to woo potential lovers. 

With each woman he encountered, he reportedly would look deeply into their eyes, with a sharp smile, baring all his teeth. His voice took on a monotonous yet raspy tone that he hoped emulated Holmes’. To ensure they understood he posed no threat, he stood remarkably close to them to leave no doubt in their minds. 

“For whatever reason, widening my eyes and talking to people from two feet away, while not expressing much outward emotion beyond a calculated smile, caused a lot of chicks to try to leave. I don’t know what I did wrong,” Patterson shared glumly with the Daily Nexus.

Patterson believed that perhaps the color of his eyes was the root of his problem. His eyes — a mere and dull brown — could never hold a candle to the tantalizing blue that resided within Elizabeth’s corneas.

To remedy this, Patterson devised a plan.

He made a purchase from a costume shop for a pair of fake glasses, with the frames that included a set of bulging blue eyes in place of where the lenses would go.

When asked by the Nexus why Patterson didn’t choose the subtler approach of a pair of blue contact lenses instead, he had this to say: “Oh shittt man, I didn’t think of that. That’s way better.”

Unfortunately for Patterson, his efforts proved ineffective, as most women were put off by his glasses-clad appearance and subsequent approach.

Courtney Stillings, a third-year statistics and data science major and recipient of Patterson’s affections, stated to reporters that she felt “creeped the hell out,” by Patterson. 

“The look he gave me was downright inhuman,” Stillings said. “His method was by far the worst part of his flirting attempt, because he actually wasn’t half-bad looking.”

Currently, Patterson is back to the drawing board, having made note of his shortcomings and attempting a different strategy.

Determined for this untapped flirtation tactic to revolutionize the dating scene, Patterson’s next steps involve creating a device set to help people fall in love by matching images of users’ eyes to complementary ones. He claims it currently can help people fall in love, it just requires individually inputting data into the device.

His company “STOVE” (A combination of “Stare” and “love”) is currently undergoing marketing complications, with potential investors mistakenly believing he is selling kitchen appliances.

“I genuinely don’t understand where the confusion is coming from,” Patterson reports.

Charlie A. Newsance is looking for someone to do a couples costume as Nathan Fielder and Elizabeth Holmes — bulging blue eyes preferred.