Don’t be sorry that I’m single

When I turned 21, I thought the only question I would have to worry about answering would be “hey, can I see your ID?” The one that every new 21 year-old waits eagerly to be asked so they can proudly display the little card tucked in the leathery folds of their wallets. However, turning 21, the question I thought waited on my horizon very quickly morphed into something entirely different. 

My age soon became a marker for a relationship status, an expectation I did not realize existed. Immediately after turning 21, it felt like I had a big sign on my forehead emblazoned with “ASK ME WHO I AM DATING.”

Family members, friends, acquaintances all swarmed to ask, “are you dating anyone?” to which I would always reply, “No.” And although they tried to hide it, they could not stop their mouths from exhaling, “oh, that’s alright.” I could hear their voices tainted with pity as they looked at me — they were truly sorry that I was single. The pattern persisted so much that before they could even express their pity, I would begin overexplaining how I liked my life the way it was. This almost always invited more questions rather than extinguishing them.

The reason why I am single is much less complicated than my interrogators want to believe. It is not because I am averse to relationships nor that I am so emotionally distressed over a past relationship that I cannot move on to the next. The truth is that my status as a single individual never crosses my mind. I do not consistently desire wanting to be in a relationship nor do I feel unfulfilled because I do not have one. 

I am not saying that my vision for the future will never include a partner. It’s just that, right now, being single makes me happier than if I wasn’t. I understand how it can be shocking when I tell people that my relationship status is something I don’t necessarily want to change. However, I know that this shock stems from foundational teachings that associate the meaning of life with finding someone to share that life with. Society has long held the belief that single people cannot be happy, and that when they are, they’re simply deluding themselves. Especially as we get older, this belief begins to seep deeper into our communities’ mindsets, and with that, sympathy grows for those of us who continue to be single. 

Women especially face this phenomena as the push to find a partner is rooted in antiquated trends revolving around their “biological clocks.” The older a woman gets, the more interested people become in their relationship status because of how tightly associated it is with starting a family. Now, this is not what I am saying people actively think about when discussing my relationship status. However, I cannot ignore that the pattern grew significantly after my 21st birthday. On the brink of a milestone that signifies adulthood and with college graduation in less than a year, people subconsciously begin to wonder when a relationship will become my priority. 

Beyond this antiquated extreme exists the perception that I cannot possibly reach the peak of my happiness without pursuing it through a relationship. And let me get one thing straight: If you are seeking a relationship, that does not make you desperate, unfulfilled or unhappy. As social beings, our innate nature is to connect with others. We actively seek interaction in all forms, and a majority of those interactions can be romantic. The issue I take with this is when that desire stems from trying to save oneself from an abyss of loneliness. Instead of seeking a relationship for the purpose of not being able to be alone, or out of a cycle of self pity, we need to find the strengths we have as an individual. Growing my confidence in who I am as a person, separate from anyone else, is part of why I enjoy being single. 

Taylor Swift’s 2025 song “The Fate of Ophelia” sparked online debate with this issue. Her song expresses a sense of relief at being saved by her romantic partner and now-husband Travis Kelce. Swift shared in an iHeart Radio interview that the song was meant to show the peace you feel once you find a partner that is truly supportive and what it is like to be saved when “driven mad by love” in a positive way. Others debate that it tows the line of promoting codependency. These critics argue that the song adds to discourse that women need to be saved from madness by a man or a relationship. 

Personally, I have always enjoyed the song and found it to be romantic. But, I believe the way it is written can disregard the complex struggles that women face with the ups and downs of relationships. 

Regardless of what Swift meant to convey, the criticism around the song demonstrates a desire to change the damsel in distress narrative. Women can want a relationship without wanting to be ‘saved’ from singleness. Being single has never been a burden on my chest or fueled a sense of isolation within me. It is not something that I need to be consoled about, because there are many other interesting parts about me other than which guy I could be dating, if I want to be dating and whether or not I should be dating. 

Instead of asking me who I am dating, I wish that the focus fell on things I actively cared about. I am a first-generation college student navigating graduate school applications in an age where artificial intelligence is threatening to significantly reduce entry level jobs. Ask me about that. I like watching stupid movies that have bad acting. Ask me about that. I like finding new music and sharing it with my friends. Ask me about that. I like reading books where fictional characters navigate their own complicated lives. Ask me about that.

It is not like I want to avoid the topic of conversation, I am just tired of the endless pity and the downturned smiles when my response is not what they expected to hear. I am tired of hearing that being single is just for now and that I will find the right person accompanied with, “Don’t worry, nobody finds their husband in college.” For me, being single is not something I view as temporary, permanent or conditional. It is simply what I am. I am single and I am happy that way. But for my interrogators who still do not believe me, let me explain some more. 

When I blew out the candles atop my birthday cake in July, my thoughts did not immediately shift to a timer that was running out. Instead, I decided that getting older did not need to focus on a ticking clock. The more I did that, the faster life seemed to pass me by. My 21st birthday did not jumpstart a new vision for adult life, and it especially did not make me start thinking about who would be standing at the end of my wedding aisle. It made me start thinking about my last year at UC Santa Barbara and how I’m going to spend it making the most out of my time with the people who are already so integral in my life. 

Growing up, my siblings were my best friends and moving away from them was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I had just broken up with my high school boyfriend four months prior, and moved away from the only place I ever knew into a triple in Santa Catalina Hall. I never thought that I would move past the sense of heartbreak and loss that I felt in that first year. But that breakup taught me that I needed to learn who I was without having a romantic connection with somebody else. I was lucky enough to navigate that in the most beautiful place I have ever lived: Isla Vista. I will admit, when I first moved in, I did not find anything special about the view of the dumpsters from my third-floor triple. But behind the houses teetering off cliffs on Del Playa, the plain buildings on campus and the cramped dorms, I found what makes this place like nothing else in the world: the people. 

This past summer, I moved into a house on the 65 block of Del Playa Drive with nine of my best friends. I might still sleep in a twin bed at the ripe age of 21, but I would take our little house on the water over a queen-size bed anyday. Every morning, I get woken up to the sounds of waves crashing at the base of the cliff and laughter outside my door. The air that once felt so suffocating clears my lungs every morning when I step onto our patio. When I walk through the house, nine of my housemates each greet me with, “good morning!” So, I promise, I do not need to wake up to good morning texts from any boy; I’m settled in that department. 

I can sit here and try to convince you that my single status does not bother me because I am so focused on finding a job after graduation, or that I just love being by myself all the time, or even that I am just waiting for the right person to come along. The truth is my female friendships are so fulfilling that there simply is just not enough space in my life for anyone else. Sorry to my endless line of suitors that I know are lining up somewhere; maybe try again next year!

The love I feel both for and from my friends feeds my soul in a way that a man never could. It does not bring stress into my life, but in fact eliminates it. Who else is going to sing karaoke with me, laugh at my jokes when they are not funny or cook me dinner when I get home from work too late? My roommates have filled every role I could have ever seen myself wanting a relationship for. And it’s not about having these things done for me — it’s the fact that we do them together.

Yes, I like being alone. Yes, I like having the ability to focus my attention on school. Yes, I like being able to think about where I will be living postgrad without the thought of having to leave someone behind or bring them with me. But most of all, I like being single because any leftover energy I have gets to be poured into the friends that pour so much into me and would drop anything to be by my side. 

I know that not everyone has the privilege of having friends this great, which is why I consider myself so lucky. But to anyone else out there that might feel sorry to be single, take a look around at the life you live. Do what might seem scary: start getting more comfortable being alone. Whether that means finding a new hobby, taking yourself out to dinner or going on a solo road trip down the California coast, I promise there is so much purpose to be found in life, regardless of if it involves a significant other. 

To my interrogators that might still be skeptical if I am happy or not to be single, I will never pass up a chance to talk about how much my people, career and life mean to me. So as much as I might have resisted, please keep asking away, because even if you still leave feeling sorry for me, I will never and have never felt sorry for myself.

Narineh Madikians wants people to ask what book she’s reading, not what guy she’s dating.