UCSB announces three new sororities for girls who hate sororities

If traditional sorority life isn’t for you, rest assured: UC Santa Barbara just announced three new chapters coming winter quarter that might finally fit your niche.

Please give a warm welcome to the Anti-Sorority Sorority (A.S.S.).

The women of A.S.S. unite in rebellion against the conventionality of sorority life. Recruitment is a quick 10 days during which potential members are expected to rush the chapter with nothing but pessimism, so please — don’t come with a smile. All prospective new members must own a pair of wired earbuds and have had Radiohead on their Spotify Wrapped for the past five years to qualify for registration.

A.S.S. also has some strict rules intended to maintain the mystery behind its members. Private social media accounts are enforced, no profile pictures are allowed and accounts cannot surpass 920 followers. Please refrain from questioning any aspect of the recruitment process; the recruitment team has carefully crafted it to ensure their sisterhood is unlike all the other sisterhoods.

The Bruh-Girl Sorority (BGS) has also touched down at UCSB.

BGS does not follow traditional recruitment practices. Instead, prospective new members are expected to arrive with good vibes — and a Coors Light to shotgun at the door. Members must have a sub-four-second shotgun time to be considered for rush, so practicing is highly encouraged before attending open house.

Prospective new members will chat with initiated homegirls while they feel y’all out, after which they’ll receive a DM if the chapter wants them back. The chapter describes the process less as recruitment and more as a kickback, referring to prospective new members as pledges throughout the process.

The pledge class will also participate in a few bonding “rituals” because, as the chapter states, that’s just the “name of the game.” The sorority veers away from all that “traditional sisterhood” stuff, describing itself as basically a fraternity with better branding. Ultimately, the chapter says it wants its incoming broth — I mean, homegirls — to remember that nothing is ever that deep. Unless you can’t take a joke, in which case, maybe this isn’t the chapter for you.

Weekly chapter meetings will be held on Sunday evenings so members can tune into Sunday Night Football, though they note that members are expected to bring a 30 rack.

The Digital Detox Sorority (DDS) is the newest chapter coming to campus.

This chapter’s mission is to encourage members to disconnect and instead reconnect IRL, challenging the dominance of a chronically online culture. To achieve this, weekly competitions will be held to see which members can resist posting the longest. The winner receives a free pass to post the following week and a shoutout on the chapter’s Insta story, @ucsb.digitaldetox.

In addition, one sister per week will be nominated to post a “day in my life” documenting what an unplugged lifestyle looks like, inspiring others to overcome their social media addictions and reminding them that they are never alone in their fight.

I hope one of these chapters resonated with you. 

Kitty Funk is still concussed from the Sig Chi mechanical bull, so the legitimacy of these chapters remains in question. Updates soon …