What your UCSB tour guide never told you

The month before the start of the academic year at UC Santa Barbara always finds incoming freshmen in varying states of preparedness. However, whether you have tirelessly researched the clubs the school offers, or not even set up your school email, no freshman is truly prepared for their time at UCSB because they haven’t been given all the information. 

There is a trove of secrets that UCSB administrators, professors and current students alike keep from the public, either out of shame or because they want the newest year of students to suffer as well. But the Daily Nexus has decided enough is enough and it’s finally time to pop open the lid of Pandora’s box. 

Here is the real UCSB that no one wants to talk about. 

• Beach accesses are managed by Greek organizations 

The beaches are UCSB’s No. 1 claim to fame (yes, the beaches rank higher than academics) and yet the school doesn’t want incoming students to know that this commodity is under the monopolized control of the fraternities and sororities. With their members living in houses located right next to beach access points, the natural next step was for these chapters to start collecting tolls. As long as you always have $20 on you (cash, to stay under the radar …), this doesn’t prove too much of a problem for most students — which is why it doesn’t warrant mention on tours. 

• Guitars are banned items 

Music is generally pretty accepted on campus (you have to get written permission to play music outside of dorm rooms), but UCSB draws a strict line when it comes to bringing musical instruments to campus, especially guitars. Incoming students always seem to want to bring these items, but Resident Assistants (RAs) are instructed to confiscate them if they are seen in dorm rooms. No reason for this ban has ever been made clear, but tour guides don’t talk about it because it would discourage a lot of prospective students from committing to the school. 

• Dorm assignments are determined by attractiveness 

There’s a reason why dorm buildings have certain reputations amongst the UCSB student body, which is something tour guides like to gloss over. It’s no coincidence that the dorm life is the best in Anacapa or Santa Cruz, and that’s because Residential & Community Living takes I.D. photo submissions and uses them to assign dorm placements to incoming students. If you’re ugly, you’re banished to Santa Catalina, far away from the attractive students who can be found closest to the beach (which is under the control of one of the frats, naturally). A social hierarchy based solely on appearance has been created by this system, and it remains largely unacknowledged to this day.

• Some clubs have a year-long wait list 

Whatever nonsense tour guides spout about being in five different clubs and organizations is just that: nonsense. Clubs such as Arts & Crafts Club and Juggling Club have highly competitive waitlists that have hardly any turnover. Once students are in a club, they are very unlikely to leave the club, even after graduation. Making it into a club at UCSB, no matter the focus area, is an achievement in itself, and is a lot more difficult than getting into the actual school. Any ambitions to pad the resume should be limited now, before disappointment takes too much of a toll. 

• Parties operate on a referral system; someone you know within a frat or sorority has to nominate you  

This is one of the best kept secrets here at UCSB: Despite being a notorious party school, not everyone parties because not everyone can party. There is a complex system of referrals and internal recommendations which lead to a vetting process, and that’s still before the rating panel. Incoming freshmen who think they’ll be able to party every weekend are in for an extremely rude awakening. If you don’t know anyone in a fraternity or sorority, you may as well kiss your anticipated social life goodbye now. 

• Some dorms are notorious for adding a fourth roommate without prior notice 

This is knowledge that passes through word of mouth. UCSB has never acknowledged this policy and refuses to comment when asked about it. But, it’s not uncommon to hear of a floormate or friend from another building who knows someone — or was that someone — that came back to their dorm after winter or spring break and found a fourth bed added to their triple dorm room. There’s never any warning or explanation, and you’re just supposed to suck it up and deal with it. If you ask to be relocated, you risk being assigned to a quad as well. 

• RAs enforce a strict curfew 

Due to UCSB being deemed the “No. 1 party school in the country,” RAs work overtime to make sure freshmen stay in line. Even if you have to pee at 2 a.m., the RA who monitors the floor has to escort you to the bathroom and wait until you finish your business. If you violate curfew three times, your housing contract gets canceled and you have to find other housing accommodations. On weeknights, curfew starts at 8 p.m. with room checks happening at 10 p.m., and on weekends curfew starts at 10 p.m. with room checks at 12 a.m.

• There is a very active dating culture and it’s not uncommon for marriage proposals to take place in the middle of campus

UCSB has a very attractive student body, and students love to take advantage of the premium dating pool. Girls go on several dates a week with several different guys and vice versa. The dating culture is incredibly casual, and UCSB’s unofficial title is the “BYU of the west.” Just this past academic year, there were 57 marriage proposals in front of the Interactive Learning Pavilion steps alone! Tour guides are instructed not to mention this over fears this puts undue pressure on incoming students to maintain their own packed roster. 

• Office hours with professors are by invitation only

This is information that would have changed lots of students’ college choices, hence why tour guides are forbidden from telling the truth. Professors each have their own criteria for handpicking students for this “bespoke” experience. Whether it be for actual merit or visual appeal, students that are extended an invitation to office hours are the ones that have access to the best opportunities. These are the only students able to get recommendation letters, tailored career advice and guaranteed As, all because of their intimate relationship with the professor. There is really nothing incoming freshmen can do to get invited, it all comes down to professor preference. 

• Getting past the pre-major stage of degrees is very challenging and is meant to weed out underachievers 

UCSB employs an interesting system where students in a major are given “pre-major” status while they complete their major prerequisites. However, what tour guides fail to mention is that the process for becoming a full major is extremely competitive, not at all guaranteed and is used to cull the weakest students from the bunch. Grades, personality and projected future success are all weighed by the different departments and factored into the final decision. At least a quarter of each class drops out after the second year because they are denied full major status. On the bright side, it makes getting classes as an upperclassman a lot easier. 

The reality of UCSB is a lot different than the sun-soaked idyllic picture that is painted online. Tour guides, alongside the school, work tirelessly to convey the most sugar-coated version of UCSB’s culture and offerings. Students who arrive here in September find a much different experience, and by then it’s too late to change their minds. 

Welcome, class of 2030!

Serrano Ham believes in always telling the truth!