Madeline Bryce / Daily Nexus
So your partner broke up with you. Maybe this was the guy you’ve been dating since high school and you went through the whole long-distance ordeal in a desperate attempt to make it work.
Maybe it was someone you met at a party, or in class, or at work and your undeniable, electric energy was, in all actuality, more comparable to a used AA battery opposed to a light socket. Maybe you weren’t even dating at all and you just made out once, if that, and they kind of just stopped texting you.
If you find yourself in any or all of these situations, then welcome to college and get used to it. But don’t fret: here is a comprehensive guide on how YOU can get over your breakup in the most self-destructive way possible with these seven easy tips!
- Become the worst version of yourself
What better way to get over being sad by simply being sad? Fuck it, this thing that happened to you is SO BAD, no matter how miniscule it is in the grand scheme of things, that you have now given yourself the right to completely neglect keeping up with all of the important things in your life.
Your friends might say you already were the worst version of yourself while you were with them, and you should listen to that advice while you secretly fuck up the rest of your quarter. Because the worst version of yourself, ultimately, might be your friend’s favorite version of you.
Who cares that you basically completely stopped going to class and have more missing assignments than kitchen utensils? You’re now down to go to just about any club, any frat party and any social gathering that involves substances.
Your alcoholic friends that you’re concerned about since they’d be willing to drink as soon as any other person brings it up? They’re your best friend now. Hell, the best part about drinking is that you now have an excuse to flirt with just about anyone.
- Flirt with just about anyone!
This is where you’ll realize this breakup was the best thing to ever happen to you. Maybe you never stopped flirting with people, and that’s questionable, but if you did stop like the rest of us, it’s about time we start working out those muscles again.
Your coworkers will both hate and be ecstatic at this new revelation. That barista at the coffee shop, who vaguely resembles your situationship from high school, well it’s time to give them a smile and a bigger-but-not-too-big-because-I’m-a-broke-college-student tip!
Basically anyone is fair game now, because you’re single and you have something to prove, which is that your ex is not the only thing that matters to you. Of course, this is not coming out of genuine interest in these people, and even if you are interested, you know deep down you’re only humoring them in order to fill the empty hole your ex left inside of you. But who cares? You’re SINGLE!
- Do everything that reminds you of them
So you’re already depressed because of this whole breakup thing, and it hits you on a Sunday afternoon that you two watched 5 seasons of “New Girl” together, and you were so close to finishing it with them and now you never will. Well, just watch it by yourself while eating ice cream, wrapped up in the blanket THEY gave you, and cry and cry and cry!
By doing everything that reminds you of them, you keep yourself in a constant state of suffering that completely prevents you from getting better. Run that playlist back, reanalyze those lyrics to give them a completely new meaning and it’s undeniable that those Adrianne Lenker songs will truly hit you like they never have before.
You’re 100% sure to never move on if you keep yourself in the toxic loop of consuming things that remind you of your ex, furthering your depressive episode into a state of pure hopelessness at the idea of finding someone new to connect with.
- Start dating someone new!
By the time you’ve been single for three months or so, you’re going to be craving romantic affection more than those $9 lattes you’ve been buying almost every day since the breakup. Maybe one of those innocent victims you’ve been flirting with actually expressed interest to hang out with you, in the daylight, while sober, which a rational person may see as an issue, given they’re still hung up on their ex.
But you can’t have a true self-destructive breakup without some sort of rebound. Breadcrumb this person as far as they’ll take it: start dating them and give yourself your first opportunity of being the avoidant one in a relationship.
By transferring your pain onto someone else, you will temporarily feel better, but in the long-run, hold a terrible guilt for what you did to this person, making it an essential step to have the least self-destructive breakup possible.
- Temporarily block them on everything
You may read this and think to yourself this may actually be a healthy tip. But don’t get it twisted; this is only temporary. In general, your social media presence is going to play a huge role in the public perception of how this breakup affected you, from your story posts all the way to the reels you like on Instagram.
Therefore, it’s not only important to upkeep your social media status, but also to keep your ex guessing. Don’t do this immediately. Of course, if you haven’t already, decide whether or not you’ll be keeping up any posts you have that include them in it. Afterwards, maybe unfollow them, remove them as a follower and even consider the potential blocking.
But the key part of this step is to understand you must do this temporarily. What’s the point of upkeeping your social media presence if they can’t even see it? Block them, give it a week or even two days and then unblock them.
This simultaneously will offend them and keep them guessing, all the while making you even more crazy and irrational about this situation, which is our end goal here. But for the sake of all of us, just don’t post anything on Instagram notes.
- Hook up with your ex
An absolutely crucial step, especially if you ended on good terms. After you guys have had your internal social media conflict and if you see them at any social gathering where you preferably are drunk, it is incredibly important that you AT LEAST make out with them. Hell, it might be worth sending the unprompted “u up?” text if you’re feeling extra self-destructive.
Of course, this may be harder to pull off if you broke up on bad terms. But you’ll be sure to get self-destructive bonus points if you did, since both of you likely hate each other but still feel a physical attraction.
This is an important step, even if they reject you, as it’s a high-risk-high-reward situation. If they reject you, and potentially become more upset with you, revert back to steps two and four. If you successfully hook up with them, you have two options: don’t get back together but keep secretly seeing each other and potentially even communicating on a frequent basis, or you can genuinely get back together, in which case, refer back to this article when you two inevitably break up again.
D Indica should follow their own advice.
