Sex and the community

“Holy shit, you’re bold!” my friend proclaimed after I told her about one of my recent escapades. 

I had been imbibing at a local bar for a few hours and enjoying the view of a particularly attractive employee. Tapping into my natural prowess and liquid courage, I went up to him as I was leaving and simply said, “Hey, are you single?” 

“Yes, I am.”

“Could I get your number?”

Obviously, the answer was yes and I skipped away happily. I didn’t think much of the interaction until several of my girlfriends were shocked I could do such a thing. Apparently, approaching men is still not accepted by a large portion of the population.

I sought out the opinions of several Isla Vistans to get a true pulse of what the people think about women approaching men.

“If a man wanted a woman, he would approach her. I support women making a small step to push the relationship forward but if the man noticed you, him not approaching you is a sign you shouldn’t either most of the time,” third-year communication and data science major Princess Pollyanna said.

Now, I understand this perspective. I think that this comes closest to the classic dating narrative: A man should court a woman while she plays “hard to get.” If this sounds like it’s rooted in a culture of purity and misogyny, it is. But what isn’t?

This got me thinking: The way that one feels about the initial approach is usually how they feel about relationships as a whole. I consulted my go-to male correspondent for the column about this topic.

“I think if a woman approached me, I would think it’s weird. Some guys dream of that but I think it’s because they’re too scared. I think if she’s bold like that off the bat, we’d butt heads. It’s like the friend that always tries to take aux from you, it’s annoying,” third-year economics major Cocky Correspondent said.

These represent a more “traditional” relationship dynamic where the man takes initiative, pursues the woman and blah blah blah provider masculine energy, whatever you people are calling it nowadays.

As a woman, if you want a relationship where you’re chased, wined and dined and eventually offered a ring, then this makes sense for you. A man who takes initiative in the first approach will be more likely to act in such a way.

However, for such angry feminists like myself, the dating process looks a bit different. I a) get approached quite frequently and b) don’t feel the need to be pursued. I don’t feel the need to play “hard to get” and don’t believe that a man spoiling you initially is any indication of a good connection.

In a more hopeful sense, in many cases, the only thing standing between you and your soulmate (or your next great fuck) is a confident approach. I consulted another one of my friends with whom I share this opinion.

“Approaching a guy makes me feel confident and fulfilled. If I see a guy who I find attractive, what’s the harm in approaching him? The worst he can say is ‘no’,” third-year political science major Spunky Sarah said.

In fact, the aforementioned hot bartender sang my praises for approaching him and asking for his number. He gave me “kudos” for being straightforward and confident. Considering this happened on a recent date, you can infer that my approach was more than successful.

Granted — the elephant in the room must be addressed. Most people’s greatest fear when approaching someone is the possibility of being rejected and the consequential shame or embarrassment. 

My greatest advice for anyone of any gender in this scenario is basic, but effective: play within your league. Is the person who you want to approach as attractive as the people who typically approach you? Do you ever get approached? Does the person seem to show any sort of interest in you?

If the answer to any of the above questions is no, then you likely should not approach the person in which you are interested.

Additionally, less is frequently more. As the story at the beginning of this article suggests, I didn’t try to pull some crazy, sexy move on this guy (especially since he was at work and I didn’t want to be a creep). Being direct, honest about what you want and approaching confidently will likely lead to more success than trying to strike up a random conversation.

Plus, being direct allows your target to reject you appropriately if they aren’t interested. It’s much easier to say, “No, you cannot have my number” than it is to try to awkwardly put an end to a conversation with which you are forced to engage.

In general, I think that online dating has significantly eroded the art of the in-person phone number exchange. If you find someone attractive, you should go up to them!

It always works out for me.

Diana Paradise wants to approach you soon.