Sex and the community
Condoms: they come in all shapes, sizes, colors, textures and flavors. Pre-lubricated, ribbed, banana-flavored, extra long — most importantly, they are necessary to any sexual activity involving a penis.
Not all condoms are created equal and, depending on the brand and style, it can make or break your sexual experience. While I am a firm believer in keeping condoms in my purse in case a man doesn’t have one, the one with the dick should be in charge of wrapping it.
As someone who has explored many men (and their dicks), I would consider myself an expert on the topic of “condom horoscopes”: the condom that a man chooses to use can tell you a lot about his sexual history, personality and mindset.
- Colored/anything that looks free
If a man has the audacity to pull a green condom out of his wallet that looks like he got it from the Student Resource Building bathroom, you’re dealing with a virgin. Not only will this man likely have no idea what he’s doing, the condom isn’t helping the situation either.
These have no lube, rip easily and are generally a pain in the ass (pun intended). Plus, if a guy can’t even make the effort to go out and buy a box of condoms, do you think he’ll put in the effort necessary to please you?
Inexperienced, cheap, unoriginal, low-effort: nothing that comes from these condoms indicates a good time. Run while you can!
- Durex
If you’ve had the pleasure of fucking your way through a semester in Europe, you have likely encountered the dreaded Durex. More popular abroad than here in the United States, a Durex can mean one of two things: you’ve found either an economically-smart and somewhat sexually-experienced man or a virgin.
While some may purchase Durex at the pharmacy, it unfortunately is found in similar settings to the colored condoms: bins that read “stay safe!”, leftovers from high school health class handouts and stolen from your roommate in emergency situations.
Some of the worst sex I’ve had was with a Durex — ]not because of the condom, but because of the man. They’re not particularly offensive on their own: they’re okay quality, somewhat lubricated and generally unproblematic.
Condoms are like sports equipment: if you play golf every day, you’re likely going to invest in a nice set of expensive irons. If you rarely play, you’ll be fine renting, borrowing and slapping a set together from Facebook Marketplace.
Despite Durex’s tolerable quality, the man inside of it is likely inexperienced. Proceed with caution.
- Ribbed/twisted/whatever the fuck
What is there to say about these? If you’ve ever had the displeasure of the Trojan “Pleasure Pack” you know that it is never something you try twice.
Have you ever wondered what it’s like to fuck a tree branch? Or maybe a cylindrical roll of sandpaper? Then ribbed condoms are perfect for you. They are unpleasant, painful and will dry you up faster than a guy asking “Have you seen ‘Interstellar’?”
Not only the condoms themselves are terrible, but whoever wields them is to be feared. The only thing worse than a virgin is a virgin who thinks that a ribbed condom will somehow make up for his poor sexual performance. What’s always missing from sex with inexperienced guys is vaginal abrasion, right?
Beware of the man who dons the textured condom. He has definitely never had a serious relationship, doesn’t eat real meals and will likely choke you without your consent. You won’t be able to tell if your burning vagina is a result of condom-induced microabrasions or some new strain of gonorrhea that he invented.
- Trojan Ultra Thin
America’s condom. A classic for a reason. If the Trojan Ultra Thin were a hookup personified, he would take you to a nice dinner, give you 10 good minutes of missionary and buy you a coffee in the morning.
The condoms themselves are perfect for one-time or short-term use. They’re high quality with the right amount of lube and, in all my years, one has never broken on me. Their one flaw is that they are made of latex which, if used frequently, can throw off your vagina’s pH levels.
A man who stocks Ultra Thins is likely to have a level head on his shoulders. He eats the same breakfast every day, has a healthy relationship with his parents and probably had to take off his quarter zip to have sex with you.
Hopefully, the reason you stop using these condoms is because you reach exclusive relationship-level status with this man. If any condom says “boyfriend material,” it’s this one. Keep this man close or release him for the rest of us to enjoy.
- SKYN
The Rolls Royce of condoms. Latex-free, silky and like $30 for a box: these are it. Their lack of latex means good things for your vaginal health, they’re perfectly lubricated and don’t leave a rubbery taste on the dick when you’re done.
If you’re ever getting into it with a man and he pulls out a SKYN, you’re in for either the best or worst sex of your life. Personally, I have slept with three men who stocked these: two of them couldn’t last more than a minute, and the other one was the most godly dick to ever grace the planet.
A man who uses SKYN is definitely a whore, but whoring around can lead to two different outcomes: you’ve either improved with your experiences or spent too much time bouncing from person to person to ever learn anything from them.
Be warned against using a SKYN condom prematurely. Wearing a SKYN and being bad in bed is like taking your driving test in a Lamborghini and failing. Graduate to this level only when you are worthy.
Diana Paradise refuses to discuss Magnums.
