Juliet Becker / Daily Nexus

Last weekend, as the usual Isla Vista festivities began to bathe the town in mutli-colored lights and the sound of 40 beginner bands, an unusual newcomer to the Goleta scene took the night by storm, or rather by hoof.

According to eyewitness accounts, at around 11:17 p.m. on Saturday evening, over 16 horses had escaped containment from the shackles of one of the nearby 68 Pasado estates and had begun bolting down the nearby Sabado Tarde and Pasado streets toward the direction of campus, at speeds up to 30 mph.

Nearby student Stacy Bridles, a third-year statistics and data science major, was an eyewitness to the outbreak of equestrian domination.

“It all just happened so fast,” Bridles stated. “They were all going the same direction like a homing beacon. Like that one fierce scene in ‘The Incredibles’: ‘Do you know where your husband is!?’ Ugh Edna Mode, iconic.”

Bridles then steered back on track. 

“Anyway, it was like they had an objective, like they were drawn to something,” she said.

The source of the horse’s rambunctious outing was found within the Kappa Epsilon Tau (KET) fraternity, where after the horses had bolted across the I.V. region, they landed within the back of their notorious “Blizzard Gettin’ Slizzered” function.

After they had broken the perimeter, a periwinkle horse quickly dashed through and knocked over an unsuspecting KET frat member, revealing a suspiciously large bag of ketamine onto the floor of the backyard.

As the periwinkle horses neighed in jubilee, other horses entered through and crowded around the exposed ketamine and began to joyously lick up its contents. 

Then, as the horses were leaving the party comfortably numb, we were quickly able to grab a few words with the groundbreaking periwinkle horse who led the charge.

“The night was just not the vibe and once I heard that KET was having one of their ‘snow’ functions, me and the other equestrian girls decided that we would have to make an appearance” Amanda [last name], a third-year communication major and proud periwinkle horse, said.

“I’m so excited we came out here tonight and now we are a set diva!” [last name] added as she trotted out with the rest of her horse friends.

As the parties died down, many of the horses were reportedly seen racing Lime scooters, beautifully evoking a synergy between nature and machine. This display was sadly interrupted as animal enforcement arrived to wrangle the horses back to the Pasado estates they called home.

Although the night of the horses was brought to an end as they rested in their stables, they are now eagerly awaiting their next bout in town.

Jessie Joint will be hitting up KET.