Madeline Bryce / Daily Nexus

There comes a time in every Gaucho’s life when taking a shit on campus is absolutely necessary. Maybe you’re egregiously hungover from your housemate’s “Wine Wednesday,” or maybe your Arbor coffee went straight to your asshole. 

Maybe you’ve been constipated since Monday of Week 2, and your colon decides it’s time for The Big One in the middle of your geological catastrophes midterm. Either way, we’ve all been there. When that demonic gurgle escapes your stomach, you have no choice but to put your tiny heinie on federal government property. 

I’m a lady, so I don’t poop. But I’ve conducted extensive house-boots-on-the-ground research into the best shitters on campus, compiling the following list of the top five best places to shit on UC Santa Barbara’s campus:

 

  1. The Music building gender-neutral bathroom 

Brand-spanking new and underutilized, the Music building’s gender-neutral bathroom is exquisite. Listen to the sounds of music majors playing “Hot Cross Buns” and settle your buns in the serene tranquility of this single-stall beauty. 

 

  1. Theater & Dance West first-floor bathroom 

Relax that asshole and lose yourself in the moody, ambient lighting of the Theater & Dance West bathrooms. The best part about this bathroom? Nobody gives a fuck about the arts — you’re almost guaranteed an empty bathroom for your dump. 

 

  1. Embarcadero Hall 

Similar to Theater & Dance, Embarcadero Hall provides a blanket of anonymity with an abundance of perfectly eligible stalls to choose from. If you need to blow up the bathroom in the middle of lecture, the chances of a stall-to-sink run-in are low. 

 

  1. The first-floor ILP bathroom

Shitters love the Interactive Learning Pavilion bathroom for a few reasons, but the best one is seeing your bitchass TA in the endless line that accrues during passing period. See these putrid green fumes wafting out of the stall behind me, Piers? I did that! Just like you shit on my midterm that I didn’t study for.

 

  1. The Arbor

Have you ever been rushing from the Chemistry building to the Humanities and Social Sciences Building to make a class and haven’t had the time to stop and shit? Let me introduce the most economical way to shit on campus: popping a squat in the middle of the Arbor. Trust me when I say that everyone will respect your daring, inventive way of shitting. And if you’re lucky, the CALPIRG table will use your shit to compost.

 

Lady Dr. Big Naturalz, Ph.D., J.D., M.D., B.A. knows her shit doesn’t stink.

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