Madeline Bryce / Daily Nexus

A local UC Santa Barbara second-year purity studies major Madonna Phelps has made headlines this week for reaching a state of nirvana, previously only talked about in religious texts. This past Monday, 4/20, people all over California participated in the unofficial marijuana holiday, and Phelps was no exception. 

According to bystanders who were there to witness the entire thing, Phelps used a bong, already considered a risky move for a first-timer, and proceeded to take an “ambitious first hit.” She was later seen levitating cross-legged approximately two inches above her towel, illuminated by the sun setting at Devs. 

Friend and third-year undeclared major, Karlie Dross, described the scene as being pretty standard, at least in the beginning. 

“I knew that she hadn’t smoked before so I tried to take precautions by getting a milder strain. She coughed for like a minute straight which, like, checks out. But then she opened her eyes and they were glowing, and I thought, uh oh, maybe I shouldn’t have trusted our other friend, Beebo, to get the weed,” Dross said.

Witnesses also smoking at Devs claim that Phelps later gave a 26-minute monologue on the interconnectedness of all things, including but not limited to: tandem bikes, the dorm bunk beds, the sixth floor of the library and that one guy who is always tabling by The Arbor. 

“Honestly, it was incredibly enlightening. I’ve never experienced such clarity before,” Brody Smith, a local Isla Vista resident, claimed. “She was like giving Dalai Lama or something. If that’s, like, not offensive to the Buddhists or whatever.”

“I had so many realizations, it was like my mind was unlocked. I saw my syllabus in my head, and I wasn’t afraid anymore. It’s all just a construct,” said Phelps, who at the time of her interview, was still floating cross-legged. 

Phelps was last seen giving unsolicited advice to very afraid freshmen near the koi pond in Storke Plaza, many of whom reported they were “just trying to find the library” before being told that, “You are the library.” A loose spiritual collective has also formed around Phelps, with followers drawn to her serene demeanor amongst the chaos. 

Meanwhile, employees at Farmacy report a surge in customers requesting, “Whatever turns you into that girl by the pond.” Staff have clarified multiple times that enlightenment is “not strain-specific,” though that has not stopped a line from forming out the door and down the block.

Serrano Ham wonders if you can reach half-nirvana from a contact high.