Madeline Bryce / Daily Nexus

In a development that has changed the lives of the chronically online and proved as yet another loss for the productive, UC Santa Barbara gained global notoriety and prestige after emerging victorious in the 2026 March Yakness tournament.

In March Yakness, players launch mini basketballs into red cups and progress through levels to earn points and contribute to their school’s total score. The tournament functions much like its namesake, March Madness, with winning schools advancing through the bracket and facing off against other skilled opponents. 

To win, the Gauchos had to defeat Cornell, Brown, Oregon State, and finally, the other big party school, Florida State. In the days after the tournament’s results were released, many from the aforementioned schools expressed disappointment in their university’s performance. 

“Until that moment, I thought we were invincible,” second-year Cornell student Scarlett Redd confessed. “Now I wanna transfer to UCSB. Isla Vista, here I come!” 

U.S. News & World Report editor Ray Tingkollej also provided his input. 

“This victory will greatly impact UCSB’s ranking in future years,” Tingkollej explained. “I foresee this fine institution surpassing its competitors at the top of the chain. Perhaps this will be the impetus for the formation of an Ivy League 2.0 — the I.V. League, perhaps?” He then proceeded to guffaw uproariously at his own joke.

Despite Tingkollej’s headache-inducing sense of humor, his claims are not without reason. According to a recent poll conducted by the University of California Board of Regents, current high school sophomores and juniors are 78% more likely to apply to UCSB over UC Los Angeles or UC Berkeley, a historic and unprecedented record. Various online sources also claim that UCSB is planning on establishing a formal mobile gaming and e-sports division, although Nexustentialism was unable to confirm.

However, not all the newfound attention on UCSB has been positive. In light of two negative comments underneath an Associated Students (A.S.) Instagram post and an unrelated incident in which a Yakness player collided with a cyclist on the street, A.S. is considering a 72-hour Yik Yak ban when March Yakness rolls around in 2027.

 “This is just to ensure that our student body is safe and that we don’t use up valuable school resources, such as Wi-Fi,” Melanie Stickler, A.S. spokesperson and fourth-year political science major, said. Stickler went on to explain that although plans are still being finalized, the ban will most likely be enforced on campus and across Isla Vista, with increased police presence to ensure that students are not accessing the forbidden app.

“We may not be the No. 1 party school anymore, but we certainly are the No. 1 chronically online school!” third-year economics major Nazz Daq said when asked for his thoughts. “Ah, shit, I probably jinxed it, didn’t I?”

Ivanna Doomscroll will enjoy her three months of free Yik Yak+.