Madeline Bryce/Daily Nexus
In a shocking turn of events, a proposition has passed through the UC Santa Barbara Associated Students, officially seceding UC Santa Barbara from the state of California. This move, which experts have called “a classic example of what happens when dumbass students pretending to be stupid politicians write propositions,” has sought to redefine the literal boundaries of Isla Vista in the current political landscape.
The supporters of Proposition 67— students who were likely voting while running on four hours of sleep and two cans of Yerba — misinterpreted the 39-page proposal which legally severed all ties between UCSB and the state of California. Reportedly, a hidden clause read: “Henceforth, let this campus be governed by the vibes.”
On Thursday morning at 3:42 a.m., a campus-wide alert was sent out via UCSB Alert:
EMERGENCY UPDATE
UCSB is now a self-governing entity.
Please proceed to your nearest micro-council for allegiance swearing.
Finals will still be administered.
Students were unaware of these major changes, only expressing confusion after noticing the signs that have begun appearing in I.V., denoting the five sovereign micro-nations which were created by the proposition: The Del Playa Autonomous Zone, Trigovia, Pasadosta Zone, The Wetlands of Embarcadero and Pardallin, each with their own distinctive characteristics.
The Del Playa Autonomous Zone has passed around laminated coasters with the phrase: “In keg we trust.” Trigovia and Pasadosta Zone are currently in a territorial dispute over the Isla Vista Food Cooperative, with legal battles already brewing. Meanwhile, the Wetlands of Embarcadero are apparently controlled by a Yik Yak bot, and Pardallin has declared Freebirds a UNESCO World Heritage site.
Third-year biology major Landon Touhy was one such confused student, completely blindsided by the revolutionary changes made to I.V.
“I actually have no idea what’s happening. They emailed me about this? I don’t check my emails, bruh,” Touhy said.
Investigations into the origins of this proposition have revealed that the document was uploaded to the ballot portal at 2:17 AM by a user named “weenus420.” When questioning Associated Students (A.S.) about the access granted to the public to submit their own proposals, a representative had only this to say: “We didn’t realize people even knew where to find our website.”
The political implications of these decisions are unclear, as I.V. residents are notoriously underrepresented as a voting population, especially in any A.S.-related initiatives.
The creators of the proposition gave a statement to the Daily Nexus, but wished to remain anonymous.
“We lowkey threw that in there just cuz. We didn’t think anyone was actually going to vote, let alone vote in favor of the proposition.”
As I.V. spirals into a fever dream of self-rule and free-for-all, many students remain unsure of what the future holds. Some have started stockpiling Zyns and Red Bull, while others have simply turned to Storke Tower, hoping that it remains a beacon of hope and resilience through this dark time.
Serrano Ham would live in the Wetlands of Embarcadero and be a frog.
