Madeline Bryce/Daily Nexus

In response to the ongoing federal government shutdown, UC Santa Barbara has announced that all resident assistants (RAs) will be terminated, effective immediately. The decision to fire RAs, cited in a statement by the Office of the Chancellor as being “painful but necessary because moving from Delaware is expensive,” has freed up funding to support Chancellor Dennis Assanis’ recently approved pay raise. But more importantly, according to the statement, it’s meant to support a new UCSB initiative called the “Self-Directed Community Engagement Program,” which encourages freshmen to “solve interpersonal conflicts through pulling your shit together.”

“We believe that the student body will benefit most from the visionary leadership of Chancellor Assanis and the self-regulation that it will inspire, rather than RAs telling them to turn down the speaker on a Wednesday night,” read the released statement. “However, this cannot be a reality without a budget restructuring, which we must implement in the face of the federal shutdown.”

The UCSB administration sent out a campus-wide email to inform the student body of this decision, thanking the RAs for their “tireless service” involving tasks such as “posting passive-aggressive door signs, peeking into bathrooms for ‘safety checks’ and scheduling mandatory floor meetings no one actually attends.”

The Daily Nexus contacted the Residential & Community Living (R&CL) office for more information. 

“The dorms will probably run smoother without the RAs. We’ll save thousands of dollars on the free polos and won’t have to waste our time pretending to read badly written incident reports,” a housing official admitted. 

Residents have rejoiced over this restructuring, with Santa Catalina declaring themselves an autonomous zone called “The Republic of FT,” banning quiet hours and making beer pong the official sport. A resident from this zone gave her perspective regarding the issue during an interview with the Daily Nexus. 

“I finally feel free now that I don’t have to live under the oppressive regime of my RA. Last week I got written up for having a candle — now I have six!” first-year art history major Lauren Komlos said.

The RAs themselves are seemingly unconcerned by these changes, as they didn’t really do much work to begin with. The loss of their job will not impact their lifestyle, and they will continue to spend the majority of their time in Isla Vista anyway. The only question that does keep arising regards their RA benefits. The Daily Nexus was able to read over an email sent by a recently-fired RA to R&CL, which expressed the main concern of the student leaders: “Will I at least get to keep the single?”

People close to Chancellor Assanis say there have been unofficial plans for him to “personally check on” residence halls as they adjust to this new structure — this, however, is unconfirmed as reports have arisen that he is overseeing the construction of the new Chancellor’s house in Montecito. 

Serrano Ham also wants a 34% pay raise.