Madeline Bryce / Daily Nexus

On Wednesday, September 25, rush season began at UC Santa Barbara for sororities across Isla Vista. What was supposed to be a fun traditional event gave rise to a small, localized pathogen that has, according to experts, “mutated beyond containment.” Scientists are calling it “The Horde.” We decided to interview self-proclaimed epidemiologist Estee Dee, a former frat alum, who grew fascinated with the spread of diseases after living in Greek life for four years.

“We are facing an unprecedented epidemic of the highest magnitude,” Dee commented. “At this rate, we may need to develop a vaccine against Greek life to counteract its contagious spread which may all but consume the human race within weeks.”

Early reports describe the infected as “eerily identical”: young women in white shirts, moving in synchronized clusters. At first dismissed as harmless, their numbers have multiplied at terrifying speed. Within days, they have flooded the streets of the small college town in coordinated waves.

“The Horde functions much like a textbook hive-mind contagion,” Dee explained. “Individuals quickly lose autonomy within minutes of exposure, quickly adopting identical mannerisms, vocal tones and walking patterns. The white shirt is believed to act as both camouflage and uniform. By then, they are already too far gone to be saved.”

The impact in Isla Vista is already being felt, with local resources being devoured. Restaurants, grocery stores and retail shops are already suffering the consequences. Local businesses such as Freebirds fear they’ll never be able to recover. 

“They’re ravenous,” one traumatized Freebirds worker noted, who was on shift when The Horde arrived. “Before any of us knew, all of our food was gone. Devoured. We had no time to react. Months’ worth of food is gone, and our workers are in need of psychological counseling. I’m just thankful none of us were infected.”’

On the ground, we at Nexustentialism risked our lives to interview one infected individual isolated from the rest. Her mutterings were incoherent, with all signs of intelligence gone. 

“OMG, are you guys going to that frat party this weekend? Have y’all tried this new Celsius flavor, it lowkey slays?” the sorority girl said. 

If you come across anyone like this, the best you can do is simply run.

The Gentle Giant is hiding from The Horde.