Juliet Becker/Daily Nexus

I have just had the worst day of my life. My crush has been crushed. 

I walked into the SRB and there he was, “locking in” on some sort of assignment. I questioned if it was really him at first. Maybe it was a trick of the light. Unfortunately, I had to come to terms with reality. He no longer had a moustache.

Facial hair is like makeup. Can you really be gorgeous without it? Seriously, if my man doesn’t look like the Pringles logo or the Monopoly man, then he isn’t the one for me.

“I couldn’t agree more,” Alex Squirter, a fourth-year fanfic shipping major, said. “I feel the more 2D and cartoon villain you look, the hotter you get.”

Getting rid of your moustache just seems impractical. It’s not like it takes actual maintenance to care for or that it feels uncomfortable sitting on your face. Remember, your appearance is for others, not yourself. 

I talked with Phill Hope, a first-year philosophy major, to speak on the moral importance of moustaches.

“Philosophically speaking, I can’t recall any arguments surrounding facial hair. However, I do not think mustaches have any connection with morality.” When asked if he could grow facial hair, he refused to comment. I think that says it all.

If you were ever wondering if your value as a person would plummet if you change your appearance, then I’m here to confirm it. Now, without the moustache, I genuinely don’t think my crush is a good person anymore.

Tiny Tinkle is trying to find a new crush that doesn’t give her the ick.