Sit down, my child. It’s time we had a talk about your popularity.

Before they went back home, your mother, your father and I all had a nice chat about you while you were off filling the gas tank. What’s that? Oh dear, $75 to fill your “shaggin’ wagon,” a.k.a. the recently pawned-off family Tacoma? Well, it doesn’t matter. You’re a nice kid. We all agreed on that much. Your mother said that you’re the most attractive one of your freshmen class.

But trust me, your chiseled calves are not why I’m here. I’m here because it’s a Friday afternoon, and I want Costco hotdogs and a case of Arrowhead water. I don’t want to take the bus. Would you carry a case of water across the parking lot, wait 20 minutes for a beat down, smelly, Santa Barbara MTD carriage, or would you walk down the hall and tell the floor driver to give you a ride?

Which brings me back to your popularity. Kid, your popularity depends on the distance of the latest destination. You want to go shopping on State Street? Fine. I call shotgun, and 15 of my closest friends are riding in your backseat. And we’re not paying for the structure parking or the $324 on-campus permit. Why? Because you’re the smart one who brought their car, and that makes you everyone’s bitch.

And when we get back, leave your door open. I have some things I want to print out.

Daily Nexus Editor in Chief Kaitlin Pike bullies freshmen in her spare time for car rides, printing paper and self-esteem.