UCSB proposes alternative pass time formatting

It’s that time of the quarter here at UC Santa Barbara: students are scrambling to set alarms for their pass times and feeling the oppressive sense of stress that accompanies selecting classes ahead of winter quarter. Will they or won’t they get the classes they need? Will they be forced through the canon event of getting stuck with a heinous chemistry section time or an incredibly niche elective? 

Friendships have been said to be shattered over who has the earliest pass time, and UCSB’s Counseling & Psychological Services (CAPS) reports a great increase in levels of mental unwellness this time each quarter.  

The UC Board of Regents might have a solution in mind to create a more optimal system than the anxiety-inducing GOLD system. Realizing the negativity this current format has created, the ongoing discussions between various levels of university authorities have presented the following alternative formats:

One computer at the end of an obstacle course

Determining course registration order solely through pure physicality “might be the move” according to UCSB’s Athletics Advisor, Chad Wick. The faster you brave a sequence of athleticism-testing apparatuses, the smaller the chance the classes you need are already taken. 

Furthermore, the first to finish the obstacle course will earn the extra bonus of having no credit cap. This structure also eliminates the risk of the bonus being redundant, as a College of Creative Studies student who already has essentially no credit cap would never manage to win a test of physicality and agility.

In an email statement to the Nexus, a spokesperson for the UC Regents explained that they were still trying to figure out the best location for the obstacle course,

“We think we might just build the course in the Santa Rosa construction site. It’s most practical. Half the work is already done for us, right? We just need to think about where the computer will go,” the spokesperson said.

A campus-wide standardized exam 

All students enrolled at UCSB would be given a 200 question exam, taking place in a period of ten minutes. Questions would cover a wide range of subjects, including Sumatran rhinoceros anatomy and Paleolithic age social structures. The exam would be administered by a proctor to student ratio of 10 to five to ensure academic integrity.

“We don’t really like this option because it’s pretty uninspired, but it might be the most simple,” one of the executives commented. 

For students that receive the same score, they’ll have to differentiate themselves somehow. Various solutions were floated around, the leading one being having the students play rock-paper-scissors.

Upon being asked for final remarks on this proposed format, the executives said: “we’ll keep it as a backup option for now, but we’re hoping for something that’s a real 180-degree switch from our current pass time format.”

A tournament style fight to the death

When working out the specifics, the leading proposal was to send students to Harder Stadium in groups of 20, with the winner of each round allowed to select their classes once they eliminate their competitors. 

“Students will die, yes. But as the size of our student body decreases, there will be less competition for the classes everyone needs,” the Board argued during the meeting.

The highly anticipated movie “The Hunger Games: Sunrise on the Reaping” will be released at the end of the month, and it seems like UCSB’s administrators might have been particularly inspired by it. 

However, the inclusion of weaponry and environmental factors — such as feral raccoons set free in the stadium — are still being evaluated by UCSB’s Student Wellbeing Division. 

“We’re not really worried about it from an ethical standpoint, because it automatically ensures things are better off for those who survive,” UC administrators explained in a meeting.

“That’s really what natural selection is all about,” was the concluding statement made.

Discussions are still ongoing, and no single format has been decided upon yet. But rest assured Gauchos, pass times are behind us, and brighter days are ahead! 

Ina Pickle will be hiring a personal trainer and martial arts instructor to secure a good class schedule.