Student explodes from holding in cough

The usually carefree and buoyant mood at UC Santa Barbara has recently been dampened; a first-year physics major with a bright future has been taken too soon. William Gardner, who was known affectionately as “Will” among his friends and family, was obliterated on Oct. 30.

His passing was an unfortunately violent affair, and occurred after a prolonged struggle with an illness known colloquially as “frat flu.” Symptoms of this terrible affliction include fatigue, sore throat and intense coughing fits. 

Gardner’s roommates and friends have shared accounts praising his valiant efforts to overcome this sickness, which he contracted a week earlier while attending a fraternity party, “Trick or Dih,” during Halloweekend.

The morning of Oct. 30, began as an ordinary day. After Gardner drank multiple mugs of lemon ginger tea in De La Guerra Dining Commons, he attended his Greek mythology lecture in Campbell Hall. The students seated in the hall with him provided their accounts of that morning. 

First-year chemistry major Ella Nishida witnessed Gardner’s tragic demise — having sat just two rows behind him — and shared details about what led up to the incident.

“He had this really wet cough, and I could tell he felt bad about being loud. He was trying so hard to hold it in,” Nishida said.

Fellow first-year, Nick Wood, whose major is undeclared, told a similar version of the story.

“He’d already coughed like five times in the first 15 minutes of class, and I feel like that’s just the max, man,” Wood said. “At that point you’re doing way too much, you’ve gotta stay quiet.” 

The societal pressure to remain quiet and respectful must have gotten to Gardner, who was described as “kind and empathetic” in a statement to the Daily Nexus by his family. His whole body was reportedly shaking and shuddering with the effort to quiet his cough. The professor took no notice of this silent struggle, but students around him were awoken from their naps with the tremors. After holding it in for too long, the first-year lost the prolonged battle with his sickness and was destroyed by the force of his uncoughed cough escaping his body. 

The trauma of witnessing such a shocking and gruesome event left his peers struggling to recount a consistent description of what happened after that point. Some say he went up like a mushroom cloud, one that could be seen over the top of Campbell Hall. Others say he simply vaporized from existence, leaving his parents with no remains to bury. 

The most common explanation by witnesses is that he blew up violently, as though a grenade within Gardner had its pin pulled. 

Second-year theater and dance major Talia Burton says she saw “chunks of Gardner flying over the seats” in Campbell Hall. Apparently an undigested section of Arbor muffin landed at her feet a few rows away from where Gardner had been seated.

No matter what the specifics of the event were, Gardner will be deeply missed by those who were blessed with the opportunity to meet him. His parents extend an open invitation to Gardner’s memorial service, which will take place Nov. 21, in his hometown of Walnut Creek. Our hearts here at the Nexus go out to his loved ones, and especially his parents, who will need to hold a closed casket service.

Ina Pickle is eating an Arbor muffin in Will’s honor.