S.H.A.P.E.-d up: Asshole man realizes he might be the problem

Completion of UC Santa Barbara’s Sexual Violence and Harassment, Anti-Discrimination, Prevention and Education training, was due this past Friday, on Oct 30. This annual training is an often procrastinated and derided task that most students claim should be common sense anyway. However, to some students, this training was an incredibly eye-opening experience and has led to a determination to be a better person. 

Brock Buster, a fifth-year communications major, had never once completed Sexual Violence and Harassment, Anti-Discrimination, Prevention and Education (S.H.A.P.E.) until this past Friday, Oct. 30. Buster has been unable to sign up for any classes for the past four years because of the freeze put on his GOLD owing to his incomplete training, which has naturally delayed his graduation date. 

Upon the threat of being financially cut-off by his hedge-fund-manager father because of his inability to graduate, Buster finally opened his computer, set up his Duo Mobile app, and managed to log into Canvas to access the S.H.A.P.E. modules. 

Buster’s roommates were horrified by the change they saw in him. Leo St. Grass, a fourth-year economics major, spoke with the Daily Nexus.

“When I walked into our casa, I was like ‘Bro, what the FUCK are you doing?’ I’ve never seen Brock with his laptop open — we’ve always kind of joked he was illiterate, but it wasn’t really a joke ‘cuz like he can’t read. But I guess he actually can. Fuck, now I have to pay the boys $400,” St. Grass said.

For unknown reasons, Buster spent 29 hours completing the full module–he didn’t skip a single video or reading portion. This in itself is an incredibly rare occurrence. A UCSB spokesperson provided more information about S.H.A.P.E. training data in a phone interview. 

“We can see how long it takes each student to complete all the modules, and the average time is five minutes. Legally we have to make it mandatory, but everyone involved knows that not a single student actually watches anything,” the spokesperson said. 

Beyond spending time meticulously going through the modules, having a moment of self-recognition is also incredibly uncommon, as few students even digest the material. Buster seemed to realize all of his past mistakes after completing the training. 

“I had no idea that I was creating a hostile environment every time I slapped a girl’s ass. I thought girls found that flattering,” Buster reflected. 

Buster saw a lot of himself in the modules, and he was a little disturbed to identify closely with the men in the examples that were supposed to be the “bad guy.”

“Asking a girl if she’s a lesbian because she’s never dated anyone is bad? I was just curious because like, why else would she not want to date me — unless everyone else knows something I don’t!” Buster exclaimed. 

Towards the end of the interview, Buster admitted something that had been weighing on him. 

“The training said something that really stood out to me,” Buster said. “Something about reports? I was wondering what all these random emails and letters I was getting were, something ‘Title Eye-Ex’ and I was always confused, like, what the hell is eye-ex?”

Upon further investigation, the Daily Nexus discovered that Brock Buster has been included in several Title IX reports throughout his time at UCSB regarding his behavior, but has never followed up with them because of his confusion over what “eye-ex” meant.

However, Buster truly seems to have seen the error of his ways, with the S.H.A.P.E. training leaving an unexpected mark on him. 

“I can’t believe how bad my behavior has been in the past. I am going to turn over a new leaf and live better. I will now always ask for consent before doing anything,” Buster vowed.

When the Daily Nexus tried to clarify whether Buster meant he would ask for consent and only act when the consent was given, Buster seemed confused. 

“Isn’t just asking for consent enough? As long as I do that, everything is fine? Just the question is the most important part? Cuz if I respect the bitch enough to ask, that’s a good sign, right?”

Serrano Ham thought S.H.A.P.E. training was learning how to identify squares and circles.