Collapsing frat house really thinks it will survive El Niño

As fall quarter at UC Santa Barbara commences, many students are now cast in the shadow of the ominous El Niño, a climate event beginning to shake not only the foundation of the coast, but Isla Vista’s most equestrian-friendly frat, Kappa Epsilon Tau.

Located on Del Playa (DP), the now-Kappa Epsilon Tau (KET)-controlled satellite house which overlooks the ocean has hosted both ragers and daygers under many owners for decades, but might have now met its match with the incoming storms. Students who walk the beaches along DP report that the beams supporting the ground beneath the house appear to be actively deteriorating into the ocean. In order to prevent further damage, the brothers of KET propped up kegs balanced on top of each other in order to act as structural support.

After these reports came in, the Daily Nexus questioned KET spokesperson and fourth-year economics major Dwight Powder about his fraternity’s concerns with El Niño. The Daily Nexus was surprised by the extreme nonchalance Powder exhibited.

“It really should be no biggie,” Powder quipped. “I’ve got the pledges attaching life rafts outside of the house as we speak, our full brothers have been taping their beer cans into rafts since last spring, trust big dog, we will be ready.”

Powder then revealed the frat’s full contingency plan for if (or when) the house detaches, including a map of how they’ll navigate the flooded I.V. streets on their new flotilla.

“We bank straight for Woodstock’s because they have the best meat-lovers pizza for this meat-lover. Then we circle back to Lao’s for pitchers before we set sail for our new home, Sands Beach. There we will make sure those cute-ass plovers survive. And that is our plan when El Niño arrives,” Powder said.

As he spoke, another KET member, second-year applied math major Benny Branco, chimed in.

“Oh sick! Wait, when is El Niño coming again? I can’t wait to meet him, he seems like a chiller,” Branco said earnestly.

Dwight put his face in his hands, indicating this wasn’t the first time this exchange has occurred. 

“Dude, I think I’ve heard about him on the news and stuff, I didn’t know he had pulled like that,” Branco said.

Other KET members stood around looking at each other confused before Branco continued, “I mean he’s got to be a ride or die. He’s not even your boy, he’s like, ‘The Boy.’ That’s aura.”

Judging from KET’s preparation and subpar knowledge of climate phenomena and the Spanish language, the Daily Nexus hopes for the best as KET heads into the arduous El Niño season. In the meantime, KET will return to their horse-like habits and continue to enjoy their DP house while it is still attached to the ground, for now.

Jesse Joint is renting on the raft.