Sex and the community

Getting together with my friends who are in stable relationships feels like being a little kid at the adult table. When we meet for our weekly coffee or bong session, they share the trials and tribulations of long-term relationship life while I gush over my ex-sneaky link liking my Instagram story.

“I’ve been craving freedom,” my taken friend told me over an overpriced Cajé smoothie the other day. I was surprised to hear this, considering her relationship seems somewhat ideal. How could someone with a loving and attentive boyfriend envy my comparatively lonely and dull dating life?

In no man’s land — or no man land, I should say — everyone seems to be wishing for companionship. When you’ve just flunked your midterm, you want nothing more than to cry on someone else’s chest. When you’re hungover to the point of bedriddenness, all you want is someone to bring you a Yetz’s bagel. Friends are incredible, but sometimes they can’t fill the void of singledom. 

Could the couples be struggling too?

In relationships (or lack thereof), the grass is always greener on the other side. When your boyfriend is trying to start a text fight over the fact that your location isn’t updating while you’re at the bar, it can be easy to envy your friend who’s in the corner flirting with a cute guy. Especially when distance is introduced, like your hometown relationship or study-abroad tension, your partner can seem tiny compared to your huge world.

Is it wrong to have the feeling that you want to escape from a relationship? Long story short: no. Feeling trapped in a relationship doesn’t automatically mean that you hate your significant other and want to join us in the streets. 

Especially for those who have spent a long time single before getting into a serious relationship, the loss of independence can be a struggle. When your boyfriend wants to hang out in every free moment, sheds body hair in your bed and always drinks out of your water bottle, it can be suffocating. 

Wanting freedom from co-dependence can often be conflated with wanting the freedom to sleep around, but you can want the former without the latter. The free time, lack of concern for another person’s emotional needs and, frequently, hotter body that you have when you’re single are all valid aspects of your life to miss when they’re gone.

These feelings are most easily identifiable and triggered when other eligible mates are present. Especially when you are a taken amongst singles, it can feel antisocial to shy away from socializing with people at the bar because your significant other will be mad about it.

The answer to these problems is boring: you have to communicate. The little “icks” that come with your partner being overbearing or clingy build up over time and can frequently kill relationships. If you do truly love your partner and want to have a lasting relationship, you need to voice that you want more time with your friends or to take care of yourself.

Sleeping over three times per week, eating dinner together every night and texting non-stop is lovely for the honeymoon phase — but not  sustainable. If you want to maintain any semblance of romance, intimacy or excitement in your relationship, you can’t be 100% together 100% of your free time.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. When your significant other isn’t crowding every other aspect of your life, you might crave their affection a little stronger on girls’ night, rather than feeling envious of your single friends. Plus, when you get to come home to them later, that’s when the real fun begins.

Now, for us singles.

In “Sex and the City,” one of the few times we see renowned maneater Samantha crave the true love of a man is when she has the flu. While takens envy singles when you’re out at the bar, singles envy takens the morning after. This is partially personal — I feel most lonely when hungover — but I feel that it captures a larger sentiment. People frequently joke that they want a boyfriend “only on Sundays” to heal their Sunday scaries and care for them.

Like takens feel most oppressed by their significant others when the relationship is doing poorly, we can often crave companionship when our own lives are in shit. Seeking comfort when you’re sad or sick is maybe the most basic human instinct. It’s what drives our need for partnership and togetherness.

So, lean on the people around you. It might not be the same as having one consistent partner who is perfectly attuned to all of your needs, but your friends, family members and mentor figures can provide comfort in your lowest moments. 

The amount of calls I made to my mom skyrocketed once I became single. Your friends might not want to hand deliver you bagels when you’re hungover, but they are frequently down to get coffee or drinks when you need them.

Companionship and love come in all forms and being single doesn’t mean you have any less love or care in your life. You just have to reach out and find it where it already exists. 

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but that doesn’t mean you should throw away a good partner — or your independence — based on your envy of your friends’ situations.

Diana Paradise knows the grass is greenest in her own bed.