Sex and the community

A few years back, a man ran up to me in the streets of Isla Vista after spotting me walking by from inside Dublin’s. He asked for my number and gave me only his first name – he was an out-of-towner that frequented Santa Barbara and clearly had a vested interest in me. We scheduled a date for the next day.

I was wrecked with nerves. This man and I had no overlap in our social circles, I only knew his (extremely common) first name and I knew nothing about him other than the fact that he found me attractive. Unable to “stalk” him online, I then thought to myself: This is how dating was – and has been – up until about 10 years ago.

Match.com, eharmony, OkCupid, Bumble, Tinder and now, the fan-favorite, Hinge. These offer the exact opposite of the experience that I had with Dublin’s guy: People present the most curated and likable versions of themselves, you vet each other online (frequently on Instagram) before meeting and you can’t know your tangible chemistry with someone until you’ve already established that you want to go on a date.

Let me clarify: I am not a complete and total dating app hater. My sister, whose wedding I will attend as maid of honor in less than three weeks, met her soon-to-be husband on Hinge. When you move somewhere new, are in a precarious situation or don’t have a large dating pool easily at your disposal, I can see how they are helpful to meet people.

However, I am a firm believer that Isla Vista might be the worst possible place to be on dating apps. Are the people hot? Yes. Are they all close to you? Yes. These solve two of the most common problems plaguing dating apps in other places.

But, I.V. has one of the most abundant party, social, hookup and dating cultures in the country. People here love to have fun, socialize and meet new people. At all colleges, but especially at UC Santa Barbara, it is easier than anywhere else to go on dates, hookup with someone at a party or even pursue a relationship. 

So, why do people here use dating apps? For one, I think that swiping on an app fulfills a psychological need that we have developed through years on social media. We scroll on funny reels on Instagram, pin aesthetic photos on Pinterest, peruse interesting posts on X and swipe on hot people on Tinder. Dating has become a social media network, just like any other.

I think that dating apps also bring people comfort. On an understandable human level, nobody likes rejection. It is rightfully difficult to approach people in real life walking around I.V., and sorting through them on dating apps can give you power that you would not normally feel.

When you get out of a relationship, the worst feeling in the world is being hung up on your ex until you find someone else. Even in I.V., people don’t always immediately jump your pants the second you’re single. When you get dumped, it can be comforting to feel “wanted” by people.

Dating apps are fun, and it’s no accident. Fortnite loot chests, slot machines and dating apps all rely on the same psychological phenomenon: the hope that the next game, the next spin or the next refresh will lead to success. Faith, in other words.

This is not beneficial or healthy for dating, though. Dating, sex and making connections with people are not gambling. There is no “winning” in dating. There is not an unlimited amount of spins or loot chests.

I approach dating with a very free-spirited mindset: You should never stay in a relationship in which you don’t want to be for even a moment, especially based on the premise that “there is no one else out there” for you. The world is massive and full of people who can influence your personality, your life’s path and your happiness. Especially when we are young, there is no reason to feel that the dating pool is finite. 

Nevertheless, part of what makes dating so fulfilling is that it can often push you out of your comfort zone. Socializing, rejection, dating and sex are muscles that need to be exercised to grow. You can’t learn how to be a good friend from watching “Friends,” you can’t learn to be good at sex from watching porn and you can’t become better at dating from sending hearts to people on Hinge.

I’ve been rejected when I approach guys. I’ve gone on awkward first dates. I’ve had failed talking stages. These are important experiences to get to know what one wants in dating, what they look for in a partner and how comfortable one is with themselves.

When you are reluctant to approach someone because you know that you can just scroll and find someone else on your phone, you feel less connection to your dates because you can find their replacement with a swipe and you treat the apps as more of a game or social media than seeking a connection, you know that dating apps have corrupted the natural order of dating.

You will likely never live in a place where you can meet people – for any kind of purpose or relationship – as easily as you can in I.V. Live your college years authentically, boldly and without Hinge. Besides, the rush you get from successfully approaching someone is way more of a high than sending them a like.

Diana Paradise thinks it’s these damn phones.