Juliet Becker / Daily Nexus
After years of promoting realistic body standards, combating toxic diet culture and planting like three size-six women in Hollywood, the world order has finally been returned: early 2000s-style skinny culture is back.
If you thought that it is okay and perfectly human to have over 10% body fat, eat your favorite foods and not need to be runway-ready as a random person, you thought wrong. Those cringe millennials tried to make body positivity happen, but we knew better. Skinny is the most important thing that you can be!
Being skinny now is easier than ever — there are so many new low-calorie food options. Before, you would have to eat a lot of fruits and vegetables to stay full while eating low-cal. Now, you can have Protein Ultra Skinny Sweet (P.U.S.S.) desserts of all kinds. They are super good for you and taste just like real dessert.
Working out culture is also very important to the skinny renaissance. Throughout the 2010s, we heard slogans such as “balance is key” and weightlifting for women took off as a way to build muscle, strength and confidence. Thank God that’s over.
Pilates buzzwords such as “toned” and “lean” catalyzed the return to working out for one purpose only: skinniness. Back in the 2000s, they just had to pay 20 bucks per month for a gym membership to run endlessly on the treadmill. But Gen Z isn’t cut out for that ghetto lifestyle. You can now pay over $200 for the same results in “yoga” classes. Lucky you!
Another crucial aspect of this wave of skinniness is the ongoing importance of having boobs and a perfectly round, plump ass. If you might think that it is difficult to have these at the same time as a thigh gap, protruding pelvic bones and visible sternum, don’t worry.
Breast implants are back, too! And, thankfully, the 2010s perfected the art of Brazilian Butt Lifts (BBLs). In the 2000s, mostly only famous people who got paid for their appearances got work done. Now, boob jobs, BBLs, botox and filler are for everyone!
Don’t let anyone tell you that unless you’re a model or in some equivalent level of money-for-looks industry, your appearance truly doesn’t matter. Any day, you could blow up on TikTok for being skinnier and more balanced facially than everyone else.
Paying for ridiculously expensive workout classes, filler, botox and plastic surgery isn’t wasting money: it’s an investment. You are investing in the potential career that panopticon-esque social media standards have convinced you that you might have. Girl math!
Why spend your time strengthening your relationships, consuming interesting media, exploring the world or meeting new people when you could instead spend it on becoming skinnier? Why be anything else when you could be skinny?
Joseph R. Biden is a Skinnymaxxing Girl Math professor.
