Sex and the community
For couples: How to manage and meet expectations
This year’s Valentine’s Day will be the first time I am passing the holiday truly single since 2019 (yikes)! Throughout my long-term relationships, flings and situationships, I have had my fair share of Valentine’s Day fun, flops, amazing dates, heartbreaks and walks of shame.
Contrary to its supposedly-intended purpose, Valentine’s Day can often create wholly unromantic conditions for couples. Your favorite restaurant might be booked. You might find out that your partner is bad at gifting for the first time. You might not even know if you’re serious enough to celebrate at all.
I believe that there are three factors that add complications to your romantic day: 1) Relationship status. 2) Plans and gifts. 3) Comparison with other couples.
If you are in a relationship where you have already hit most of the major relationship milestones (officially declaring yourselves a couple, having sex, saying “I love you,” etc.), Valentine’s Day is made for you. You can openly express how much you love each other, (hopefully) know each other well enough to know your gifting preferences and make plans with honesty and communication.
Where Valentine’s Day can get complicated is when you’re waiting for one of these milestones — or purposefully putting them off.
My freshman year, my extremely low-commitment fling asked me to “hang out” on “Wednesday” (which was Feb. 14) over Snapchat. When we saw each other, he intentionally did nothing remotely romantic or indicative of a serious relationship. At the time, this broke my heart. Yet, in hindsight, I think that what he did was clever on his part — it set the tone for the kind of relationship that he wanted.
In the early stages of couple-dom, Valentine’s Day can make or break your relationship. If you’re waiting for the special “Will you be my girlfriend?” or “I love you” or “I want to lose my anal virginity to you” moment, this could be the perfect occasion to take — or specifically not — take that step.
People’s upbringings, habits from past relationships and quirky personal preferences can come out in ways that might create problems this coming Saturday. Gifting, especially, can bring out a side of your partner that you never knew existed.
My ex’s family apparently never did “surprise” gifts; they always told each other something they wanted or needed. My family is the opposite, where finding an endearing gift and surprising the recipient with it is the special part of the gift-giving process. This came to a head on my birthday when he failed to get me something because I never told him that I wanted anything “specific.”
The quote about “If you really want to know someone, travel with them” is a classic for a reason. On your Valentine’s weekend getaway with your partner, you might find out that they have zero sense of urgency, spend way more money than you do or that they always want to shower together (a sexual pet peeve of mine).
Both giving gifts and planning romantic outings requires, unfortunately, the most cliche thing of all: communication. Simple phrases like “I can’t afford San Ysidro Ranch right now, babe” or “How much are we spending on gifts?” might be hard to say in the moment, but if you want to avoid tension on Feb. 14, you have to establish clear and honest communication.
Lastly, it might be easy to compare yourself to another couple when your friend posts that her boyfriend surprised her with Oku for dinner and yours couldn’t get time off work. Sometimes, comparison to other couples can be enlightening and helpful to improving or moving forward from your shitty relationship.
However (and I don’t mean to sound like a shitty boyfriend making stupid excuses), Valentine’s Day really is a capitalist venture, at the end of the day. The fact that another couple was able to spend more money or time on each other is rarely, if ever, an accurate measure of love and happiness.
Communicate honestly, focus only on your relationship and fuck so loud that your neighbors complain.
For singles: How to up your masturbation game
I’ll cut to the chase — I hate single people who are sad on Valentine’s Day. What do you have to be sad about? You can post yourself on Instagram, take yourself out to your favorite restaurant and give yourself the best orgasm you’ve ever had.
Not all vibrators, orgasms and masturbation sessions are created equal. But, as a seasoned expert, I can guide you in the direction of excellence.
First of all, you’re going to need to spend money. Trying to hack it with your hand is cute and all, but if you really want to change your life, you need to invest. Imagine how much money you would be spending on your partner if you had one. Might I suggest The Adult Store downtown?
You need a vibrator. They can get very expensive, but they don’t have to be. A $10 bullet from Target will do the job. However, splurge on the Rose Toy if you can. Your second most important purchase is a clitoral balm. The industry leader for this is Bijoux Indiscrets’ “Horny Jar” that can be purchased for under $20 dollars online.
These two have got your physical sensation covered. The balm essentially warms up and stimulates you before you even get started. The vibrator is self-explanatory.
Equally as important as the physical sensation is your mental state when trying to achieve the best orgasm of your life. Porn is so out. It deserves its own column installment regarding all of its harmful mental and social implications, but it also just doesn’t deliver the best orgasms.
Around a year ago, I discovered something that changed my relationship with masturbation — and sex, as a whole — forever: tantric. Tantric is a practice about which there is plenty of information on the internet, but I found that it completely revolutionized what masturbation is to me.
Rather than focusing on porn or imagining a scenario that turns you on, you pay close attention to your breathing and the actual sensations that you feel while masturbating. It changes masturbation from a sex-centered experience based on getting off to a bodily-aware meditation.
Also, it depends on your personal preferences, but a high-quality edible or a few hits of a joint can bring your tantric experience to the next level. It might take more focus to reach orgasm when you’re high, but it’s worth it in the end. Trust me.
Diana Paradise says there’s no reason to be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day.
