Nicolas Brown-Corrada / Daily Nexus
Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and with it often comes the realization that maybe you could be treating yourself better. Taken too many walks of shame recently? Maybe it’s time to ditch that stranger-turned-lover that you’ve been leading on for seven weeks and actually be honest with yourself for once in your life.
If that’s what you need, look no further: these are the five easiest ways to break up with that low-commitment, exclusive, no-labels situationship with benefits.
- Ghost them
It’s ol’ reliable! When the truth is too inconvenient because you don’t want to hurt their feelings, instead you ignore them and hurt their feelings more. Or maybe you don’t really care about their feelings and just want to make things easier for yourself.
Either way, this technique is sure to get them off your hands for good. Just watch out for dirty looks when you inevitably run into each other at the gym in a few months.
- Have bad sex
The success rate here is middling, but it can be an easy way for them to break up with you instead, which we all know is the ultimate objective here. I’ve found that to make things really awful the number one thing you can do is a sort of Austin Powers-esque British accent. Otherwise, try Mario noises or the old Goleta Special (if you know you know).
3. “I want to be exclusive”
Sure, you guys have technically been exclusive for a few weeks, but neither of you have verbalized it. By telling them that you want to be exclusive, it will trigger the primal fear instinct found in all Isla Vista residents, and they’ll be morally obligated to run off into the sunset.
4. “I don’t want to be exclusive”
Wow. How could you even say that after all you guys have been through? They literally were there for you when you got a little tipsy at a shitty dayge and needed to lie down. You got to sleep on their couch for two whole hours and this is how you repay them? By saying you want to sleep with other people too?
Don’t you get that a low-commitment situationship is serious? What the fuck is even wrong with you?
5. Sit them down and have a conversation about what you both want from this relationship
JUST KIDDING!!!!! Why would you do that? That’s stupid. You idiot. Go post a subliminal Instagram story with a Lana del Rey song or vaguely call them out on YikYak. Maybe hook up with other people until they get the message idk. Any of those would be better than this.
Don Juan Tenorio is redownloading Hinge.
