Juliet Becker / Daily Nexus
Each new year brings with it new health and fitness trends that begin to dominate every frat house, football field and Friday function. Whether it’s downing Joe Rogan brand protein powder or shoving chicken into every meal in an ungodly fashion, there is always a drastic new trend in the attempt to achieve that perfect Santa Barbara beach body.
So we talked to our local source, Preston Tides, a third-year economics major and co-president of the frat ZBD. Tides is a self-proclaimed “looksmaxxer” and prides himself on using all the latest fitness and beauty trends to exemplify his perfected surfer boy persona.
“I’ve always been on the ball when it comes to the latest looksmaxxing tactics. Like when it dropped that drinking holy water could have benefits right before a workout, I immediately got a plug for it with my altar boy bro. Bless up,” Tides said.
Which is why, when peptides came onto the scene, Tides was one of the first to begin injecting the brand new type of research chemical into his body with reckless abandon. For context, peptides come in many different forms for different purposes like increasing muscle mass and improving skin to even shifting skin tone and increasing intelligence.
When critiqued about his injection of these untested, unregulated and highly expensive mystery chemicals, he blew off concerns claiming he knows his health.
“Look, this stuff is totally safe. My body is a temple, do you really think I would put something in there that isn’t good for me? So yes, injecting myself daily with an unregulated chemical is A-OK. I’ll never eat any dining hall food, though. That stuff toxic for you bro,” Tides said.
A problem arose when Tides realized he had been taking a peptide in the fridge for months that he had never purchased. Tides failed to put the pieces together, but for months people had been commenting how good his skin looked, how his face shape was getting prettier and how even he seemed to have a lighter, more beautiful tone.
Since the compliments kept rolling in and Tides was feeling better than ever about his own appearance, he just decided to disregard that concerning fact and just keep injecting.
Tides’s roommate Gadge, a third-year psychology major, let us know that his cousin Amy had been staying with them for a few months.
“My cousin Amy is trans and my creatine-for-brains roommate has been taking her [hormone replacement therapy (HRT)] on accident for months now. Even when we tell him, he still just injects every vial that’s in the fridge anyway like it’s his pure life source,” Gadge said.
Tides continues to enjoy his daily Peptide and HRT cocktail so he can surf and “ride the tide” of his injectable cosmetic gains.
Regardless of health concerns, as this rise in peptide usage takes over the nation we prepare to see a new brand of frat boy who is going to be more fit, more fierce and unintentionally more femme.
Jesse Joint is still on the search for a Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) peptide.
