Madeline Bryce/Daily Nexus
On our Instagram (8.2M followers, btw) we asked you if you needed any advice. As a California state-licensed therapist, bikini model and former U.S. President, who better to answer than I?
Q: How do I seduce my coworker?
A: The best way to seduce a coworker is to bond over your common trait: work. However, you must add a never-before-seen twist to complaining about work so that your coworker sees you as more than just a colleague.
Instead of saying, “ugh, our boss is so annoying,” try saying something like, “God, this job is so boring, I just want to kill you in cold blood and then myself.” This will definitely get their attention and evoke a Romeo and Juliet-esque romantic tone.
Q: What should I do post-grad?
A: Some view post-grad as a time to take what they learned in college and get out into the world. Yet, a little known secret is that you can simply reincarnate as a freshman, just without the stress of classes.
Some activities that you can do as a post-grad in Isla Vista are as follows: move into a frat satellite house, start an Eagles cover band, complain about capitalism, add hot freshmen on Snap and become a DoorDash driver.
When I.V. has everything you could ever want, why leave?
Q: Where is the clit?
A: Up the ass. Deep.
Q: What should I have for lunch?
A: Following the Center for Disease Control’s new food pyramid guidelines, you should prioritize red meat in your lunch. Maybe you can copy what I had for lunch: one pound of lean ground beef, six scrambled egg whites, 12 ounces of raw milk and a fat cigarette.
Q: How can my friend, Alicia, get a man?
A: Tell your friend that, if she wants a man, she must abide by the traditional norms of femininity. Everyone knows that men don’t like women who talk too much, so tell her to quiet down.
She should take up hobbies such as cleaning up at parties in front of everyone before it’s over for some reason, bragging about how she doesn’t lift heavy at the gym and performatively drinking Miller Lite.
If that doesn’t work, just go up to guys and grab their balls.
Q: How do I date a DG girl?
A: The best way to meet and court a lovely lady of Delta Gamma is to spend an inordinate amount of time outside their chapter house. It would be ideal if you could get a job there, such as an arborist or window washer.
Some bored girl is bound to look out her window and watch you at work. Your mysterious work ethic will likely intrigue her and encourage her to ask you out.
Also, take up looksmaxxing. Women these days, especially desirable ones, are really into guys who inject themselves with random peptides and obsess over their appearance.
Joseph R. Biden is available for therapy booking sessions: $700 per session.
