Juliet Becker/Daily Nexus

Local legend and third-year statistics and data science major Riley Logan of UC Santa Barbara has reportedly been struggling to fit back into American culture after a revelatory semester abroad. After living with all of his Sigma Phi brothers in Madrid and avoiding any interactions with Spaniards, Logan has become a true ambassador for the European spirit.

Logan’s friends who stayed in Isla Vista during the quarter noted differences in his physical appearance upon his return.

“Loge used to be chill. He used to wear a backward Titleist hat every day and I don’t think I ever saw him wearing a shirt,” third-year global studies major and Sigma Phi Brotherhood Chair Ethan Bethan said. “All of a sudden, bro comes back in a trench coat and scarf. What the fuck, man?” 

Logan reflected on some of the European cultural norms that he adopted during his time abroad.

“In Spain, they got this thing called siesta, which is perfect for me ‘cus I love being lazy as hell in the afternoon,” Logan said. “I really love how laid back their culture is there. Like every day I would skip my morning classes to sleep, skip my evening classes for happy hour and have a siesta in the afternoon.”

Logan noted missing some aspects of his European life that aren’t accepted in I.V.

“Here you gotta wait until at least 4 p.m. to start drinking. In Europe, alc is just a part of life! They really got it all figured out.I also ditched my Geek Bar for cigs, they’re way better for you. Golds are where it’s at,” Logan said.

After traveling around Europe on various weekend trips, Logan adopted several cultural norms from other countries.

“Some of those European countries are so much better than the United States, bro. When I went to Dublin, they drank like eight Guinnesses in one sitting. I mean, they were my bros, but I assume the locals were doing it too,” Logan said. “Also, I think our age of consent should be 15, like in France.”

When asked about his plans for the future, Logan had mixed thoughts on his European identity.

“I loved Madrid, but bro, I don’t speak any Spanish and I don’t really feel like learning,” Logan said. “I would say I would practice, but no one in California speaks Spanish! Also, I can’t go back ‘cus I gotta get a Big 4 internship this summer.”

However, some onlookers applaud Logan for his (re)immigration story to the U.S.

“What [Logan] is doing is really cool. I mean, he’s not connected to American culture at all — but he’s brave enough to build a whole life here. His life is super hard,” third-year environmental studies major Kaitlyn Krap said.

Joseph R. Biden wrote this over an espresso and a Vogue Originale cigarette.