Nicolás Brown-Corrada/Daily Nexus

With California’s special election approaching, state Democrats have gone on the campaign trail to pass Proposition 50 into law. Chief among these politicians has been California’s governor and full-time daddy Gavin Newsom, whose text campaign has ranged from annoyingly political to downright lascivious. Listed here are just five of the countless lewd texts the governor has inundated us with, all collected from my own personal cell phone.

1. Gavin Newsom here. Can I count on you to vote YES on Prop 50?

This one is pretty self explanatory. As governor, Newsom is supposed to pass and uphold laws in the state of California, and he does often try to push the populace to vote on propositions that will further his agenda as a Democrat. This text actually got to me at a really good time; I was watching Fox News and Sean Hannity was being extremely convincing. But when Newsom hit my line, I knew that my vote on Prop 50 was going to be a definite yes. Like I always say in regards to hot governors: whatever daddy wants, daddy gets.

2. Hey, it’s Gavin Newsom again. Can I count on you to GET COFFEE WITH ME on November 1st at 10:00 am?

I was a little confused with this one at first, but I guess it does make sense. After all, a governor should try to get to know his people, right? So, I went to the coffee shop at 9:55 to be extra punctual, but Newsom was already there. I tried to make small talk, but the whole time he was giving this insane death stare to a homeless guy chilling across the street. At one point, he even dragged his thumb across his throat and mouthed “I’m gonna kill you,” but when I asked him about it he tried to change the subject to “holding Trump accountable.” We kissed afterwards, but his breath smelled like coffee and he used too much tongue; 6/10 overall though, because he paid.

3. Gavin here, you up?

He sent me this one at 2 a.m., right after I finished my nightly JRE listen. I was surprised because I was under the impression that he was a busy man that would be on top of his sleep schedule, but I suppose not. I indulged him and responded pretty quickly, but he only really wanted to talk about some new idea for an ad where he “mogs” Trump or whatever, so I just pretended to fall asleep. It was at this point when I started to think that he might be taking things a little too far in this governor/citizen relationship, but I’m sure lots of other Californians enjoyed these late night Newsom chats.

4. i want you

At first, I was honestly flattered. The governor wants me? And so we started to talk a little dirty or whatever. But then, I realized he probably texted this to all the other residents of California, and I felt so stupid. Why did I even think I was special? I know for a fact that all the rest of you received this text and probably didn’t even think anything of it; Gavin is like that to everyone, but I guess I’m just naïve, right? I know all of you saw this and were like, “Classic Gavin!” but I’ve just been so lonely for so long that I fell for the first tall silver fox that showed any interest in me, even though THIS IS WHAT HE SAYS TO EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU BITCHES, BUT I WAS THE DUMB ONE WHO FELL FOR IT. Sorry.

5. Sorry I ghosted for a little lol it’s Gavin here. I just wanted to ask what are we really? What do you want out of this?

Seriously, after a WEEK of not texting, he sent me this. Like, somehow he thought I forgot everything and this would all blow over or something? He really thought that I would still want to be talking to him? So, I said, “No, Gavin, I’m not gonna let you walk all over me like you do with all your other citizens, no matter how sexy you are. I know you only wanted me for my electoral power because all you care about is Prop 50. I’m more than just a vote you know. And I’m TIRED of letting you treat me like this.  We’re done Gavin. Don’t fucking text me again.  You can’t count on me to vote YES on anything, ok? Leave me alone. I can’t believe I even fell for your shit in the first place.”

Many Californians have voiced complaints about the persistence of these messages from Governor Newsom. The five texts displayed above are only a few of the thousands that I know every single one of you has received. Stay tuned to Nexustentialism for more special election coverage.

Don Juan Tenorio would like the governor to make a campaign stop in his bedroom.