Madeline Bryce/Daily Nexus

Every fall, UC Santa Barbara’s most average male students try their best to be selected and admitted into a brotherhood with questionable roots, but lit ass parties. This year, the Daily Nexus has received dozens of reports claiming some more interesting things have been happening regarding frat recruitment that make you ask “What happened to good old-fashioned hazing?” 

These reports have mentioned that many fraternities have taken a Darwinian approach to selecting the best candidates, creating trials based on intelligence, strength and even looks. Potential pledges are being turned away at alarming rates, causing concern for who is going to ghost the freshmen after Week 3.

The trials for intelligence included the PSATs from 2007-2018 given out at random, an accelerated reading quiz for the book “Sunset of the Sabertooth” from the “Magic Tree House” book series and three pages of sudoku with three mistakes allowed. The strength trials included a keg toss, the cinnamon challenge with a red hot spoon and a blindfolded barefoot race across Del Playa.

One pledge, who would like to remain anonymous, said he participated in a beauty pageant and was told to “go home” and “they’ll call when they need more ugly people.” While he may be ugly, our anonymous pledge says he did excel in the barefoot walk and the 2015 PSAT so he still holds hope. 

The trials that tested one’s looks is a classic beauty pageant with formal, swimsuit and personality rounds. Judges for the events were an unbiased group of 10 middle-aged divorcees from the surrounding area who were told to vote with their hearts and not their minds. When asked for a comment, Judge Rebecca West from Goleta said, “This was worse than jury duty.”

When fraternity president and fourth-year computer science major and feminist studies minor, George Lincoln was approached for comment on why his frat and others are operating in this unique way, his response was rather cryptic.

“It may not make sense now, but do not worry, our plans are measured in centuries,” Lincoln said.

While we may not get our answers anytime soon, UCSB can feel something brewing, accompanied by the haunting knowledge that all across Isla Vista, young men are organizing, plotting and planning. One can only assume what is going to happen, but you know what they say when you assume: You make an ass out of u and me. 

UCSB’s newest Chancellor, Dr. ASSanis, had only one comment when asked on how to approach rushing this season: “May the odds be ever in your favor.”

The Mayor of Pound Town wants to be a judge for the frat beauty pageant.