Madeline Bryce/Daily Nexus

Isla Vista: the unincorporated community where the streets are typically filled with bikers on their phones, drivers on their phones and inebriated pedestrians—usually on their phones. 

From September to commencement, I.V. is packed with social events, midterms and an odor that combines oil, weed, and sex.

However, I.V. is practically unrecognizable from June to August. Taking on the form of any other coastal beach town, I.V.’s only inhabitants are pale grad students, a surprising amount of 14-year-olds whose parents presumably only allow them to visit I.V. in the summer and the same drunk pedestrians. As I.V. slows down, some may find themselves bored compared to the hustle and bustle of the school year.

Here are our most genuine recommendations of how to keep yourself busy during I.V.’s off-season.

 

  1. Make up for the lull in pollution

Del Playa Drive is notorious for its copious amount of garbage strewn all over the street, but its vibrant culture has sadly dwindled due to only 90 percent occupancy, rather than five times the maximum capacity. To preserve DP culture, you can do a variety of arts and crafts that take just a moment. One of the easiest ways to liven up the street is by smashing massive amounts of glass in the road and across the sidewalk. Another hallmark of DP is used condoms—if you cannot yourself produce the means necessary to pollute the streets with these, you can find condensed milk at the Co-op.

 

  1. Tour any houses you’ve been eyeing

Chances are, most places are either empty or have such a convoluted sublease situation that the residents don’t actually know who’s living there. Given the quality of locks and windows in most I.V. apartments, you should be able to get a good look at any place if you try hard enough. If you can’t find an entrance, just contact the property manager and ask for a key. They most likely respect their residents enough to give you one.

 

  1. Go on your phone

Surfing, guitar playing, hanging out with friends—we’ve heard it all before. Why don’t you take up a unique hobby? One that most are few to admit to? Make yourself stand out by setting a screentime minimum on your phone. We recommend starting with 10 hours per day and you can level up once you become an expert.

 

  1. Take up a new religion

Some might argue that American’s lack of faith has been the downfall of our country. I agree: there are not enough religions. Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism—they are so last century. Think of something new, people! There is no better place to start a religion than in I.V., where people are young, under the influence and clearly need something to believe in. Better yet, focus the religion around yourself! That way you can more easily manipulate and exploit the loyal followers you will soon garner.

 

  1. Work on your a) melanoma b) lung cancer and/or c) liver cancer journey

Any Gaucho is bound to develop one, if not two, if not three of these cancers after living in I.V. for four years. While your social life is dwindling, you have plenty of time to lather up in baby oil and bake in the UV 11 (or total overcast). Thankfully, your pesky roommate is home for the summer so they won’t judge you for the huge amounts of weed and cigarettes your body needs or the booze you used to hide under your bed. Get to work!

 

Joseph R. Biden tried to kiss a tumbleweed in I.V. because she thought it was a hot guy.

Print