In an effort to show prospective students the real and unfiltered experience of a student on UC Santa Barbara’s campus, the Office of Admissions announced today that all upcoming and future tours of the school for students hoping to attend will include visits to our school’s most authentic and cultured spots of the UCSB experience: dorm bathrooms.

“It was really gross,” said one high school student, Allison Smith, who described her shock at seeing a second-floor Santa Rosa bathroom. In lurid detail we cannot bear to quote, Smith described the urine splashed across the toilet seats, the hair plastered on the shower walls and trash spilling out of the trash cans.

For too long, tours of the school have focused on the “outside” world here at UCSB, but these course corrections for the tours are a fantastic way to expose new students to their life “inside.” Dorm life is an integral part of being at UCSB, and so it’s only natural to want to let high school students know they will, in fact, have to shower while someone throws up in the toilet only 10 feet away. The tours also allow bright-eyed freshmen to have an experience pushing open a stall door only to find someone in the middle of their post-De La Guerra ice cream poop.

“I think it’s fantastic that I get to listen to someone else’s music while I try and wake myself up for my 8 a.m. math class,” current first-year Ana Mendez said.“I think it’s even better that sometimes you get to listen to two people’s music — at the same time!”

Other experiences prospective students and their parents will be subjected to include (but are not limited to): trying to brush your teeth while everyone is getting ready on a Friday night, and looking away when people walk around without a towel.

“Since birth, I have felt some unseen force pull me towards my purpose,” explained David Matthew, a high school senior from San Diego, “and today, walking with a tour into an Anacapa bathroom, the pull ended. I suddenly understood that it was my destiny to attend UCSB so that I could one day spit over the mirrors and leave my used paper towels on the floor, if I even went as far to wash my hands.”

While some enter UCSB lacking clarity in purpose, unsure of their major or who they want to be in the world, others find comfort in knowing their calling is to make a scene so disgusting that people will talk about it for years to come. Will you remember what your ANTH 2 professor told you about material culture? Probably not. But will you always remember the time someone threw up in the sink until it overflowed? Yes.

Toby Fowler wants you to thank our maintenance and custodial staff when you see them.