Why act beyond disinterested when you can change your entire wardrobe instead?

Walking through the Arbor is a fate worse than death most days. Those petition-wielding beggars can smell a vulnerable person like a shark smells blood. Tablers will force you into a conversation, even if you had your nose so far down into your phone that the bikers would blame you for getting hit in the bike-free zone. One devoted reporter, Callahn Mei, has decided to sacrifice themself to the cause to determine the best way to dress to best avoid these attention whores. 

Upon the office being informed of this groundbreaking research to change everyone’s lives for the better, the team joined together to create highly realistic full face masks so that Mei could perform their research and avoid being recognized to keep the results unbiased. The mission was to set out to create the perfect and most neutral set of faces to not alert any specific category of group, but the team of 11 all somehow made the same replica of Chancellor Henry T. Yang artificially de-aged and hauntingly ungendered. 

“We weren’t even all in the office together or working at the same time,” one of the editors said. “We were all just so enchanted by Yang’s image that it’s impossible to escape it. We love you Mr. Yancellor.”

Mei spent approximately a week and a half gathering the information, testing different combinations of outfits and experimenting with paying attention to the tablers or not. They reported that a lack of attention had approximately no impact on results whatsoever, but God rest your soul if you make eye contact with anyone, no matter how long it lasts. Mei reported that, of all tabling groups, appearance mattered least to California Public Interest Research Group (CALPIRG) and Turning Point USA (TPUSA), as both groups called out desperately for someone to take them seriously and were overjoyed when someone didn’t flee the scene immediately after noticing their posters. 

“I think the one time CALPIRG didn’t talk to me out of the 16 times I saw them was when everyone at their table was preoccupied,” Mei said. Mei also noted that while Jack Whitman of TPUSA did engage with them each time, most of the attempts were invitations to debate if the foreign language requirement was really necessary. 

The most important findings from their research circled around the Greek life tablers. “I did get a fair bit of attention on walk-bys while wearing some sort of paraphernalia from a frat or sorority,” Mei reports. “They somehow noticed the socks too — I guess that one guy was not kidding about the foot thing.” When in a full suit, Mei lost the attention of regular frats and was approached by several of the professional frats but also experienced the same when in a pair of incredibly baggy sweatpants and a scrub top they “borrowed” from a lab. “It’s a little bit of a confidence killer to not have the girlies fawning over me, but you have to do what you must. I feel like this might not have been worth it.”  

Mei’s final reports on the case concluded that the best way to dress to avoid any attention from any group is to look completely insane. Socks with sandals (to avoid that foot guy too), an oversized green tee and a sad tutu ended up being the combination with the least attention. That and a full Taylor Swift merch suit. They were afraid of the person that could have been. 

Binzy Eggbag is worried they have never slayed hard enough to be worthy of a frat invite.