History was made in Isla Vista last Saturday, when a member of Sigla Tau Delta’s UCSB chapter found the clitoris. Aidan Thibodeau, a second-year economics major from San Diego County, discovered it at Deltopia, during a brief hookup that occurred at the Danka Gamma sorority house. While the breakthrough has yet to be ratified by the Interfraternity Council (IFC), it is believed to be the first instance of a Greek brother pleasuring a woman. 

The clitoris in question belonged to Valerie Munoz, a first-year communication major from the Bay Area, who sat down with Nexustentialism to report on the milestone. “He was from STD, so I was expecting him to just last thirty seconds,” she admitted. “And he did. But during foreplay I felt this strange sensation that I hadn’t felt with a frat guy before.” When pressed further on this peculiarity, Munoz concluded, “I think it might have been pleasure.” 

Yet, it was difficult for her to pinpoint why Thibodeau had found it when so many others had failed, stating, “It was just weird all around. He actually cuddled with me afterwards and even let me hit his vape.”

Despite being the author of the momentous occasion, Thibodeau, who insisted we call him Thibsy because all of his boys do, has been keeping a cool head and staying humble about it. “I actually didn’t even mean to,” he told Nexustentialism. “I was just fucking around for a sec before I put it in and she made this weird noise. I thought I was tripping.” But when asked whether he was glad it happened, the answer was a resounding yes. “I talked to the brothers about it afterward and they told me how it might have been the clit. So lowkey we all found it.” He laughed for a moment. “The best part was hitting a hype celly with the boys.”

The achievement has turned Thibsy into something of an overnight celebrity: he’s been posted on Barstool Sports and his Instagram followers have gone up by over 10,000. Notably, even rival UCSB fraternities have expressed their support for his discovery. Allen Le, a third year from Sigla Alpha Delta, told Nexustentialism, “First of all I don’t know how the fuck he did that shit. But I’m just glad it was us and not SLO that found it. Fuck SLO.”

UC Santa Barbara released an official statement on their website Sunday morning, commending Thibodeau on his “pioneering contributions to the research community.” 

Thibsy conceded that his newfound fame was slightly difficult to handle. “It’s kind of a lot. Nationals wants me to come to the headquarters in Nashville to present my findings. And I’ve got an interview coming up with somebody big on TV. I just can’t say who.” But he’s taking the development in stride. “Now that chicks know about my reputation, I might be able to get with some actual tens.”

With Thibsy’s success, the chances of a frat man locating the clitoris on a given hookup now skyrocket to 1 in 300,000. One small step for a brother, one giant leap for fratkind.

Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow will find your clitoris, with your consent of course.