Rest and relaxation can not only be found at the beautiful beaches surrounding UC Santa Barbara but in the finest restrooms across the land. These hidden gems are sanctuaries during a day of scholarly endeavors. Learned readers of this bipartisan report — which has analyzed every academic building on campus — will gain access to an elite set of bathrooms, ranked on a scale from one to 10 by aesthetics, function, exclusivity, ROI and overall “vibe.” Only men’s and gender neutral restrooms were surveyed, but we believe the results should hold across genders.
#10 – Materials Research Laboratory (6.9)
- Have you ever left the restroom feeling like you’ve just spent two hours at the gym? Come on down to the Materials Research Laboratory to do your business, take a shower and get ready for more business of your own.
#9 – Old Little Theater (7.1)
- One of the eldest lavatories on our list, this classic was built in 1967 and has withstood the test of time. The natural light brings forth hope, contentment and optimism. Using this space is like getting a nice warm hug from your mom — you know everything is going to be okay.
#8 – Campbell Hall (8.4)
- As controversial as this ranking may be, a stage as grandiose as Campbell Hall is not complete without a corridor runway to its bathroom. Jazz legends like Jimmy “Spanky” DeBrest, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia began their illustrious careers in this very restroom, and you could too!
#7 – Embarcadero Hall (7.2)
- By far the best selection in Isla Vista (sorry I.V. Theater), Embarcadero Hall’s restroom boasts a combination of polka dots and superb lighting, creating an excellent “modern dinner” ambiance. It’s ideal for sitting back and enjoying a few cold ones with the boys. Oh, and you can also use the bathroom here.
#6 – Interactive Learning Pavilion (ILP) (7.7)
- After the most exhausting excretion session of my life (a grueling 47 minutes), I exited the stall with a still-quivering sphincter only to come face-to-face with the woman of my dreams. My heart raced from both excitement and the fear that the stench had already reached her nostrils. Would probably still use the ILP bathroom again.
#5 – Arts Building (7.8)
- The bathroom for the avant-garde, the culture-setters, the 21st century philosophes. Lose, then find yourself in the infinite mirrors. The dark, edgy colors are perfect for having a cigarette or bowl of soup between classes.
#4 – Bioengineering Building (7.9)
- Forget the troubles of your day — this bathroom has a sexy green backlit mirror. Admire yourself in its frame for a minute before engaging in your own, uh, bioengineering.
#3 – Marine Science Research Building (8.3)
- Surprisingly void of butlers to help me wash my hands, the Marine Science Research Building’s bathroom is still the most high-class one on campus. The awe-inspiring bust of Poseidon reminded me that all of campus is bound to fall into the sea someday, but the mints were so good that I didn’t even care.
#2 – El Centro, Arnulfo Casillas (8.6)
- El Centro, Arnulfo Casillas is the only bathroom at UCSB that can replicate the warmth and wonder of your childhood toilet and the memories made while praying it wouldn’t clog. Serene and elegant, this hallowed chamber redefines what the word “beauty” can actually mean.
#1 – The Secret Bathroom (9.3)
- For the exploratory and historically inclined student, the majesty of this elusive bathroom can be discovered only if their bowels are as attuned to beauty andwonder as is their heart. This is the best of the best, the cream of the crop, a matter of school pride itself. This is what makes your tuition worth it. This is where true Gauchos are born.
Sam Healey and Seamus O’Meara are petitioning Chancellor Henry T. Yang so they can teach an “Intro to BathroomStudies” course at UCSB.