Devin Hernandez / Daily Nexus

After the atmospheric river on Jan. 9, UCSB is the first university to be entirely devastated by climate change. With our campus being underwater, 20,000 leagues under the sea, the Dormzilla feels more appropriate — like a plastic castle for too many goldfish. 

Chancellor Yang addressed what the dramatic changes would mean for the quarter in a timely interview/public address/press conference, declaring, “bubble, bubble, burble, gargle, gurgle.” 

Since sinking like the Titanic, admissions have seen an increase in international and transfer students, with most new arrivals coming from schools of fish and migratory whales. 

Some good housing news has washed ashore: UCSB has finally found a way to continue to enroll more students without upsetting the balance of the housing market because students will now sleep on their backs — like adorable sea otters!

Aside from students literally being swallowed by the tide and sucked out to sea to join the evil sea witches who live out there, students are overly positive! Where else can you study the horrors of the Anthropocene in person? UCSB will continue to reign — now as the Atlantis of the Santa Barbara Channel!

This sentiment was epitomized by fourth-year student Micheel Trout: “Dude, like, on one hand, being at the only underwater university is kinda fuckin’ sick. But on the other hand, with, like, climate change, most places are gonna be underwater soon from rising sea levels. But, like, on the other, other hand, I fist-bumped a shark on my way to class”.

The facilities around campus are honoring the change by renaming the building to more appropriate nomenclature: Shellings Hall, De La Gilla, Mollusk Theater, Carpillo Dining Hall and the Nursing-Shark School of Medicine. 

The transition to the campus under the sea is the latest chapter in a legacy of environmental action. In the late 1960s, Earth Day was initiated by UCSB — the result of going green and getting insanely high off those greens. In retrospect, it appears that Earth Day’s efforts were as pointless as asking your professor to round your 89% to an A-. Biodiversity continues to disappear, fossil fuels are being burnt faster than dope on 4/20 and the frequency of extreme weather events is increasing exponentially due to an unstable climate. But hey, at least we healed the ozone layer! Right? Right…?

Devin Hernandez can’t understand why we can’t get through one quarter without a natural disaster.