Nexus File Photo

You’ve probably heard of the new bike renting program available to students, but are you aware of these great new opportunities?

5. Free Pizza Vending Machine

In an effort to meet students’ dietary needs and force on-campus clubs to become more creative with their bribery, the Resource Center for Italian-Americans installed its long-awaited pizza vending machine in its office on the second floor of the MultiCultural Center. Each student is allowed one slice per day, which they can redeem by simply swiping their ID through the card reader on the machine. Costco has not yet commented on how they expect this to affect business.

4. Storke Pond Pal Program

Storke Pond has long been a mini oasis where passersby can stop to connect with diverse wildlife in the middle of their hectic days. The Storke Pond Pal Program seeks to deepen that connection even more by providing new ways to get close to the koi, turtle and duck residents. You can now rent leashes and snorkeling equipment at low costs.

3. Rent-A-’Rent

Unfortunately, not all students have parents who can come visit them during the school year. To combat loneliness and the fear of missing out, C.A.P.S. now offers the Rent-A-’Rent program in which students can bond with an older human being for a few hours. You can take your rental parent on a tour of campus, go grocery shopping or get dinner together. The program looks to expand to the online world for those days when your mom thinks a 15-minute Skype session is very generous.

2. Ortega Entertainment Acting Troupe

The line to enter Ortega on weekdays at noon is a similar experience to souls in purgatory waiting to be called up to the pearly gates. To make this daunting task a little less awful, UCSB Housing, Residential & Auxiliary Services has formed an acting troupe to entertain its patient patrons. The troupe will consist of fellow gauchos, and they will perform everything from Shakespeare to modern musicals.

1. Bike Path Pedestrian Education Program

Our campus is plagued with two kinds of people: bad bikers and bad walkers. This pilot education program seeks to teach students valuable skills such as how to not walk down the middle of a bike path during rush hour traffic. Students who complete the program will receive a complimentary bike helmet for decorating their dorm room, since no one will actually wear helmets despite the massive number of head injuries sustained during accidents every school year.   


Emily Anne Williams is a fourth-year linguistics major who knows what her fellow Gauchos really deserve.