Associated Students Program Board’s (ASPB) updated ticketing procedures has students going to even greater lengths this year in order to get into tonight’s Delirium.
Since tickets are now linked with ACCESS cards and ASPB members are patrolling Free & For Sale like over-eager hawks, student’s have now taken to fully assuming the identity of fellow Gauchos to be safe.
“Yeah I got a ticket for $25, but I told the girl that I’d give her another 10 if she would help me learn her entire life story, the first street she lived on and her mother’s maiden name,” said one third-year transfer who wished to remain anonymous.
The Student Health center has even noted an increase in requests for facial reconstruction surgery. Though they are warning students against this invasive procedure, many have gone ahead with it anyway.
“I committed the dude’s social security number and high school transcript to heart, but I just wasn’t sure it was enough,” one first-year computer science major stated. “Completely redoing my face was necessary to give me that peace of mind I need while I try to roll off of a quarter-point that my friend found on the ground.”
ASPB has yet to issue a statement on how it plans to address this issue.
Jenny de la Cuadra had no idea who Tchami was until she was forced into buying her $5.50 ticket by her friends who follow such creators of beeps and boops. She is preemptively regretting her decision.